


A da Vinci Collection

by zephfair



Category: Da Vinci's Demons
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cats, Angst, Crack, Drama, F/M, Ficlets and drabbles, Gen, Ha there's a tag for cat fic, Humor, I said that every fandom has a cat fic, I'm still not sure what that says about me, M/M, Multi, Of all sorts and sizes, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Post S3 AU, Post S3 Fix-it, Read for warnings and pairings on each ficlet, Some are OOC from my own head, Some are from memes, Some are from prompts on Tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephfair/pseuds/zephfair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An assortment of ficlets and drabbles originally posted on Tumblr, some from meme prompts and some inspired by other fics. They include all kinds of pairings and genres, so please read the warnings and pairings on each part.</p><p>*Updated March 4, 2017, with two new modern AU ficlets--Chapter 18: a Leo/Riario/Zo and Chapter 19: a little Leo/Riario Footloose AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Construction worker harassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riario is a construction worker facing blatant objectification by his own personal fanboy.

**Pairing:** Leo/Riario

 **Rating:** Teen? for language

 **WARNINGS for this story:** Verbal harassment, verbal sexual harassment, OOC, Do NOT act like this, this is not acceptable behavior, playing an old trope for laughs, Humor, Crack

 **NOTE:** This ridiculous ficlet was inspired by a mental picture from a scene in Meridian-Rose's beautiful drama [I Have Something to Say](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5990412) which is part of her glorious Immortals AU and you should go read that instead of this blatant crack.

 

“You know, there is something very wrong about this,” Alfonso said conversationally as he sat down beside Riario for their quick morning coffee break. “You two are doing it all backwards.”

At Riario's blank, uncaring look, Alfonso helpfully elaborated and pointed, “You and your harasser. You do realize it's usually the other way around.”

Riario scowled as he recognized the man coming down the sidewalk. Every weekday for the past two weeks, Riario had been the victim of the man's unwanted torment. Their construction site was just around the corner from the art gallery where the man apparently worked, at least according to Alfonso's gossip.

While Riario knew the reputation of construction workers as ungallant cads who screamed out unsolicited and sometimes filthy things at unsuspecting women walking past, the company that employed him was generally not that bad. He'd heard Alfonso call out to a few pretty faces, but they generally ignored him and Alfonso kept right on working.

This, though, was beyond the pale.

“Hey, hot stuff! When you're done pounding, I've got something you can nail!” 

Sure enough, the catcaller was right on schedule, taking time from his walk to work to stand outside the safety fence, waving and grinning at Riario. Riario pointedly turned his back on the verbal attack, but Alfonso gave the guy a thumbs-up at the last taunt.

“Come on, sexy, wouldn't you rather find a nice stud for yourself? Then you can get to the screwing!”

Alfonso laughed and shoved an entire snack cake into his mouth while Riario pretended to ignore them both. He believed the man would get the message if he ignored him hard enough. Either the messenger never arrived or the man had shot it right off because he never seemed to catch on. The harder Riario ignored him, the more inspired he became get a reaction.

“You should play along,” Alfonso said through the cake crumbs. “Maybe that would shut him up.”

“I doubt that feeding him any kind of attention would result in anything but reinforcing his negative behavior.”

“Huh?”

“If I talk to him, it will only act as positive reinforcement of a bad habit, and then he'll never change,” Riario explained.

Alfonso eyed the man. “If you're interested in that kind of thing, he's not bad.”

“It's awful hot today, construction guy. Shouldn't you take off some clothes to be more comfortable?” the guy shouted hopefully. Riario shuddered, and Alfonso cheerily flipped off the yeller for him. 

“He's leaving now,” Alfonso reported. “He looks a little heartbroken.”

“Like that matters to me. His pestering is tedious.”

“Eh, I'm telling you, if you'd actually confront him, he'd go away, like with bullies.”

“And did that work for you? When you were bullying smaller children on the playground?” Riario hadn't known Alfonso as a youngster, but it was a likely guess.

Alfonso grinned. “Naw, it didn't work. Just made me want to hit them harder.”

The idea took root with Riario, though, as he finished his morning's work. They were nearly finished with the front of the property, and his job would take him inside the next week. He should then be free of the annoyance of the man appearing right around coffee break and again during lunch.

Riario felt harassed and although he'd certainly never acted that way to women, he doubly vowed to be more respectful to every human being because no one deserved to be belittled and made to feel like meat.

But, he wondered if Alfonso might be right, that a little dramatic display of his own might shut up the man once and for all.

Riario timed it perfectly after lunch. He finished eating and climbed up on the second level of scaffolding right above the street, where they had finished their actual work days before, and waited.

Sure enough, right on schedule, the man came rushing around the corner looking concerned for once, glancing at his watch and clutching a large takeout cup. 

Riario took a deep breath, reminded himself this was for vengeance, and stripped off his T-shirt. He did it quickly, still shocked at his own boldness. He couldn't look down to see if the harasser had even noticed. Riario kept his eyes on the sky, ran his hand down over his chest and abs, looking like he was caressing his own hard, muscled body, then picked up a bottle of water and shook it over his head, letting it run over his face and downward, over his chest, his peaking nipples, his contracted stomach down to the waistband of his jeans that led to his...

 _Sproing_ —the sound reverberated up to where he was standing, the unmistakable noise of an unstoppable force meeting an immovable surface, much like a body striking a metal object. He opened his eyes and peered down into the street where his stalker was lying on his back beside a lamp post. The coffee had spilled all over his front and he was blinking blearily, metaphorical birdies flying in circles around his head.

From somewhere below, Alfonso couldn't stop laughing, couldn't catch his breath as he tried to yell for the crew to come and look. Riario felt a terrible pang of guilt and swung down from the scaffolding against all safety regulations to run to his side.

The guy was sitting up, holding his head, and groaning.

“Are you all right?” Riario had to ask, not sure if he should touch the man as he knelt beside him.

“Unnnh,” was all he said.

“Perhaps we should call an ambulance?”

“Give him mouth-to-mouth!” Alfonso hooted from behind him, the rest of the men crowding the fence and laughing uproariously.

The man had the audacity to blink up at him and grin. “If I pretend to be unconscious, will you do it?”

“You are fine,” Riario said disgustedly, but the man's hand whipped out and grabbed his arm as he started to rise.

“I'm Leo, and you are the fine one.”

“So I've heard you say. Although that was one of the more polite things you've shouted.”

“Sorry about that,” Leo said, sounding not the least bit apologetic. “So is mouth-to-mouth off the table?”

“You need help,” Riario said, getting up and dusting off his knees. 

“You work good with your hands. Think you could fix me up?”

“I could fix you permanently.” Riario didn't know the picture he made, hands on his hips, shirtless and glistening with sweat and water, until Leo grinned brightly.

“May I draw you?”

“No.”

“May I keep watching you work?”

“No.”

“May I take you out to dinner to apologize for acting like a brainless cretin?”

“No.”

“Go out with him, Girolamo, and put him out of his misery.” Alfonso made a vulgar motion to go with the suggestion.

“Your friend seems smart,” Leo said, still clinging to hope.

“Speaking of brainless cretins...” Riario stuck out his hand and Leo took it without question, letting Riario help him to his feet. Then he took a dramatic stumble toward Riario, making him grab his arms quickly to stabilize him. From Leo's grin, he realized the stumble had been deliberate, but he didn't let go. “If I agree to dinner with you, will you leave me alone?”

“Depending on how things go, I can't promise that. If all goes well, I might get even more obnoxious.”

“Perish the thought,” Riario murmured and Leo shivered.

“You've got an unbearably sexy voice. I've never heard you speak before.”

“Are you sure you didn't concuss yourself?”

“I've got a hard head. Come on, one dinner?”

“I feel as if I agree to this, I am problematic to everyone who has ever endured an unsolicited catcall or wolf-whistle.” 

“Have you ever noticed how many expressions have animal references? I, for one, have never heard a wolf whistle,” Leo said and Riario wondered if he were always that nonsensical or if he'd actually injured his head. “But I was pleasantly surprised by how many sexual innuendos one can make based on construction and building terms.”

“Yes, and I do believe you've managed to shout most of them at me.”

“I'm sorry. It was your beauty that moved me to inspiration.”

Riario raised an eyebrow. “And now you are blaming the victim?”

“If I promise to change, will you go out with me? Please? One dinner?

“One, and you quit acting like this in public.”

“Deal, I won't call you a sexy beast in public. But I make no guarantees about in private.”

“Kiss and seal the deal,” Alfonso's voice called out.

“Do I need to show you the range of the pneumatic nail gun again?” Riario asked in the quiet, conversational tone that the crew knew meant was his deadliest threat. Alfonso audibly gulped and walked away, shooing and yelling at the crew to get back to work.

“Tonight, I'll swing by at quitting time,” Leo winked as he walked away then yelled back. “Leave the shirt off but wear the tool belt.”

Riario didn't know what he was getting himself into.

The end


	2. Polyarmory 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zo is getting a little tired of saying the same thing.

This was written for a prompt from Meridian-Rose from [this meme](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/139883049590/send-me-a-pairing-and-a-number-and-ill-write-you) on Tumblr. She requested: “Don’t you ever do that again!” Your choice of DvD pairings/ot3/friends. I was so taken by [this joke](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/139889337285/sarah-the-artiste-oregore-a-medieval) that I made this little AU world for them.

 **PAIRING:** Leo/Zo/Riario

 **RATING:** Teen? for language

 **WARNINGS:** none really? It takes place in an AU world after the end of S3.

 

“Don't you ever do that again!” Zo shouted over the cacophony of falling metal and wood, shielding his head as best he could from the deluge, coughing from the dust and debris all around him.

“What?” Leo shouted back, grinning although his ears were ringing from the explosion that had rocked his workshop and taken out the new cannon he was designing along with a sizable chunk of roof.

“Don't you ever do that again!” Zo shrieked the next day when Riario held up the dagger with an innocent, wide-eyed expression. Zo scrabbled at his hair, breathing in relief when his shaggy curls all seemed in place. Until Riario opened his free hand to show a large lock of shorn hair with a shrug and a glint of pure evil in his grin.

“I have to demonstrate the efficacy of our steel to our customers. You can see how well the blade holds its edge, even against such a rough texture.” Riario turned away to flourish the blade to a wealthy merchant and Zo mimed strangling him behind his back.

_“Don't you ever do that again!” Zo had shaken Leo as hard as he could, as if it would manage to give him sense when clearly God, the Blessed Mother and his own damned parents had certainly failed him in that department._

_“I had to Zo. I couldn't leave him like this.” Leo had bent over the still form of Riario, checking his breathing and pulse. When they'd arrived in Rome and Leo had found out about Riario, he'd rushed in where angels would have feared to tread, informing Zo that he had a rescue plan, but not bothering to share that it referred to meeting Riario in private, clocking him over the head, and bundling him out of the Vatican wrapped in an old rug, with a bag over his head._

_“Just promise me, don't ever do something that fucking stupid again,” Zo had grumbled, slapping the reins on the horse's rump, starting the cart down the road although he still wasn't sure where in Italy they could safely go._

_“I won't have to. I've got everything I need now,” Leo had said, and Zo refused to turn around and look at the picture he would make, snuggling with the unconscious Riario as Zo smuggled them out of the city. Zo supposed Leo was right, but he'd never admit it._

“Don't you ever do that again,” Zo slurred, rolling onto his back and stretching out his aching muscles.

“Not ever?” Leo pouted, rising up on an elbow above him, and Zo couldn't resist that look, now could he? Leo leaned down and kissed him, grinning against his mouth. Zo moaned wearily when a hand stroked down his chest from his other side.

“I thought it was my turn next,” Riario purred in his ear, biting the lobe and taking the earring between his teeth to tug.

“Well, maybe just once more,” Zo let himself be convinced and realized he was totally, utterly fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do take prompts on my Tumblr, although I can't promise they won't be utter crack. That's all my brain seems to want to write these days.


	3. Riario thinks he must convince Laura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riario believes he must convince another reluctant ally to join the crusade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is angst and dark, much darker than I usually write. 
> 
> WARNING: mentions of dub-con, mentions of reluctant sex, mentions of sex for profit, no explicit sex
> 
> When Laura made the comment in S3E2 that Riario should convince her to join the Crusade, it made me wonder in a terrible way if Riario had been placed in that position before of convincing a reluctant ally. His reaction to her statement seemed odd, and Sixtus is such a horrible person that I fear he would have used Riario as a bargaining chip in any way he could.

**PAIRING:** None

 **RATING:** M for subject matter

 **WARNINGS:** mentions of dub-con, mentions of reluctant sex, mentions of sex for profit, no explicit sex

 

Riario had enjoyed his brief confrontation with Signora Cereta. Her frank talk and straightforward attitude was refreshing after all the deceitfulness and flat-out lies he was surrounded by in the Vatican. She was shrewd and faithful in a way he rarely saw. When she came looking for him at prayer in the chapel, he thought her strategic plans interesting, and her obvious distaste for Sixtus only another point in her favor.

That disappeared like smoke when she glanced at him and said, “I will extend my stay in Rome. I suggest you use the time to convince me.”

Riario jolted a little before he could stop himself, could school his features into their usual blank mask. He closed his eyes and went back to prayer, hearing her murmurs beside him a while longer before she stood and left.

Riario escaped to his own quarters as soon as she was gone. He seethed, but there was nothing he could do now. Both prevailing forces in his life—his father and his brothers in the Labyrinth—were pushing for a gathering of armies, a Crusade, and he had been ordered to make it happen. If it meant stooping so low…

How could he argue with his father now, when he had done it in the past? When Alessandro had taken him from the monastery, claimed him as his son, Girolamo would have done anything to please him—and had. 

Just as Alessandro then Sixtus had taken advantage of that attitude to make Riario do anything to further his own interests. Not all of his dealings involved blood and murder. Enough of them were with men who had looked at Girolamo hungrily, and Alessandro had just shrugged and ordered him off. To seal the deal. Or as a bonus for their support.

And Riario had done it to secure his father's position and to earn his blessing.

This was the first time Sixtus had ever deigned to ask for a woman's help, but Riario had promised he could be delicate and he would deliver Venice to the Crusade. Riario had thought those days were long past, of being being forced to use his body as collateral, but now he prepared.

He found a better bottle of wine than His Holiness normally provided for guests, but Riario figured he would at least benefit from the stronger libation. He unbelted his sword and reluctantly placed his daggers aside. He opened his doublet, removed his scarf, and taking a deep breath, unbuttoned the neck of his shirt, his mind going unbidden to da Vinci and his friends who seemed to have never met a shirt they could figure out how to close. Then he shut the door on those thoughts, needing to bottle up any good memories when he was about to do this. 

At least he shouldn't have to worry about his own body's reactions—he had found the Signora attractive, at least, which was a pleasant change, but he wasn't sure what she would expect. Perhaps he would be spared from the humiliations some men had desired when he was at their mercy. 

He removed his cross, gently laying it on his pillow. Then he poured himself a glass of wine and took a long drink to steel himself.

He knocked quietly on her door, not sure how bold he should be. All the times before, when he was younger, all Sixtus had to do was present him or send him to a certain guest room late at night, and it was as though he'd been gift-wrapped when the door was opened, men of power all but slavering to get their hands on him.

He wasn't sure if Signora Cereta would want to at least pretend in the normal gender roles of their positions. If she would appreciate a seduction.

She called out, asking who it was, and he quietly announced himself.

She opened the door a crack. “Girolamo. Is there something wrong?”

He flourished the bottle of wine where she could see it. “I thought perhaps you would like a drink, something better than what our housekeepers provide?”

She hesitated, looked him up and down, then opened the door and let him in. He took in the room in an instant, made sure there was no one else there, and set down the wine.

“The hour is late, and it has been a most trying day. I was just preparing for bed,” she said. Riario had already seen she was still fully dressed. Perhaps she had been waiting for him to help her.

He stepped closer to her, noticing that she stayed near the door, wondered if she were going to lock it so they would not be disturbed. “I am sorry you have had such a tumultuous experience here in Rome. If there were anything I could do to make it … more pleasurable?” he made himself ask.

Laura tilted her head and looked at him closely again. “Thank you, but the hospitality you have shown already is more than enough.”

“But, if there were any way that I could convince you to make an alliance with us. Anything I could do to help sway your opinion?”

“My opinion of Sixtus has been the same for some time,” she said dryly. “And now I'm forming quite a different opinion of you. I think perhaps it is time for you to retire as well, Girolamo.”

“Very well,” if that is how she was going to put it, he stepped up to her and she backed against the wall. His hands sought her waist and he leaned toward her for a kiss; he never saw the slap coming until his ear rang from the force behind it.

“What are you doing?” she asked, voice cold and bosom heaving, but only from anger and not passion.

Riario carefully let go of her and stepped back. He couldn't meet her eyes. “I am sorry. I think there was a misunderstanding.”

“I think it was more than a misunderstanding,” she said. “Why did you come here, Girolamo?”

He cleared his throat. “I came to convince you—”

“Is this because of what I said in the chapel earlier?”

“Yes. I thought you were implying—”

“That I wanted you to seduce me? Or force yourself on me? That somehow you were to pay me sexually to join your Crusade?” Her voice was angry, incredulous, but her tone was steady and unafraid. Riario admired her even more.

“I apologize, Signora. This was a mistake. I only thought to secure your support for our cause.” Riario kept his hands clasped in front of him even though his cheek still stung from her slap. She was quiet, but he couldn't dare look up at her.

“You are well-known as the intermediary for Sixtus and his ambitions. I'd wager you often have to gather support for his causes, no matter how ridiculous or galling they may be.” She spoke plainly, but Riario was suddenly afraid where the conversation was headed.

“I obey His Holiness and all his orders,” Riario murmured.

“You poor boy,” she said. “How many times has he forced you to do something like this?” This time the kindness and softness in her voice made him step back, and he couldn't help but look at her. There was nothing but tenderness in her expression, some sadness, some pity, but instead of angering him, it made him feel ashamed.

When she stepped toward him, this time, it was he who backed away. “I pray you can forgive me for my egregious mistake, Signora. I will leave you now and you have my personal vow that you will be undisturbed for the rest of your stay. I—”

“Girolamo, sit down,” she said. He was already backing into a chair, so he sat. She moved to the wine and poured him a generous amount. She stood before him while he drank. “Now, button your coat and let us discuss this.”

“There is nothing to say.”

Laura sighed and took the chair beside him. “I don't think I want to know how long your father has been ...” there was a moment when she appeared to struggle for the proper word. Riario could think of a few, but she chose the diplomatic way. “How long your father has been making you go to these lengths for his own selfish gain. Only a monster would do that.”

“He is the head of God's flock on earth,” Riario reminded her.

She snorted, such an unladylike sound that he had to bury his smile in the wine. “He is the old goat who bullies brainless sheep into following him blindly. You need to protect yourself, my dear boy, and forget his odious schemes.”

“I am bound to him,” Riario answered. He was bound to too many, and not all of them by choice. He jerked when Laura laid a gentle hand on his forearm. He knew she noticed the movement, and she pulled away just as gently.

“You do not owe him that. Never that,” she said firmly. “And I certainly was not referring to that when I spoke with you in the chapel. I meant that I would stay here in Rome and hope to spend time talking with you, learning who you are as a man and as a leader before I would pledge our forces to you. I am not a sheep, and I want to make sure you are not either.”

“And now you've seen what I truly am. I am sure you are gravely disappointed,” he murmured.

She sighed. “There are myriad facets to each of us. What you have been forced to do is much different from what you would choose to do, given the same situation. You will only disappoint me, Girolamo, if you do not learn from this.”

He inclined his head to her. He saw her reach out again but she did not touch. “Perhaps you will lunch with me tomorrow?” she asked. His head flew up in surprise. “We can pretend this little incident never happened. It was a misunderstanding and no harm was dealt. Let us start off on a new foot tomorrow?”

He nodded, unable to express his relief that he hadn't destroyed all the potential of an alliance with Venice. And relieved that she was willing to overlook his unseemly behavior.

He finished his wine and stood, and she escorted him to the door. “Thank you, Signora, for your kindness and understanding. I will look forward to speaking with you at luncheon.”

“If we spend time together, it will be in discussion of what you have in mind for a Crusade. Bring your plans and your strategies,” she said.

“I will.”

“And, Girolamo? Never let your father dictate this to you again. Promise me that you will not throw away your own honor at his whim?”

He could not agree, could not even nod, but he reached out and took her hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the knuckles. She allowed it, then pulled free and patted his cheek, hard, making him realize it still ached. “That was not a promise.”

“I will do whatever is necessary to ensure our plans are a success,” he said, unsure if he referred to Sixtus or the Labyrinth or both.

“Then I look forward to changing your mind,” Laura said as she opened the door. “Good night, Girolamo.”

“Good night,” he said and left. She was truly an astonishing woman. He would look forward to getting to know her.


	4. Kiss drabble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only true 100-word drabble I've ever written.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Meridian-Rose for a mini fic meme. She requested Leo/Riario: things you said after you kissed me
> 
> So here are Leo and Riario, take your pick. ;D

“You kissed me,” he touched his lips in amazement. No matter how many times he’d thought about it, fantasized about it, dreamed about it, he’d never actually dared believe it would ever happen. Certainly not this way. 

“I thought you wanted— Was that wrong?” the kisser stepped back, suddenly unsure, the expression alien on his face, but he grabbed him firmly by the waist and pulled him close again.

“Only if you stop now,” he smiled against his lips and kissed him back until they both forgot their suspicions and inhibitions and fears and didn’t need to talk any more.


	5. Leo-Zo rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a mini fic meme, the wonderful and long-suffering Meridian-Rose gave me Leo/Zo, things you said in the rain.

“It’s raining,” Zo said, squinting up at the sky and the dark clouds gathering over them.

“So it is,” Leo said, lifting his face and shutting his eyes as the warm drops fell on him.

“The question is, why the fuck is it raining? What did you do? The sun was shining not two minutes ago.”

“Why do you always blame me… yes, fine, I was attempting to see if I could— you see I believe that if I can manage to—”

“You know what, never mind. I’m not going to understand your mumbo jumbo anyway.”

“It’s not a bad idea, though. If I could learn how to control and influence the precipitation, think of the good we could do for farmers—”

“Leo, do you really think you should be playing with the weather?” Zo took his shoulder and shook gently. “Then again, you’ve never had sense enough to come in out of the rain, why would you start now?”

“Well, that’s why I have you, isn’t it?”

Zo looked at Leo blinking slowly, raindrops stuck on his lashes, rolling down his face like tears and slicking his lips. Zo sighed. “Yeah, I guess that is what I’m here for. Now, you wanker, let’s go dry off. We’re getting drenched.”

Leo grinned and clapped his shoulder, and Zo thought surviving a sudden shower wasn’t too bad now and again as long as it made Leo shine like the sun.


	6. Leo-Zo painting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From a drabble prompt meme [here](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/139883049590/send-me-a-pairing-and-a-number-and-ill-write-you): for the illustrious [Szaszszlik](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Szaszszlik/pseuds/Szaszszlik) who asked for “The paint’s supposed to go where?” Leo/Zo.

**PAIRING:** Leo/Zo

 **RATING:** Teen? for language?

 **WARNINGS:** It's a modern AU that is fluffy crack.

 

“Leo,” Zo was going to give it one more try, “that's not the way the instructions show—”

“Fuck the instructions,” Leo muttered as he tried to make the two pieces fit Tab A into Slot B. “Hand me that screwdriver, no, the other one.”

“I'm telling you Leo, that bed frame was not supposed to—”

“And I'm telling you that the original design is completely inefficient. I can fix it with just a little more...” A piece that looked rather important was wrenched off and discarded. Zo watched it fly over Leo's shoulder and sighed.

“I can respect that you want to totally reverse engineer a simple bed frame, but if we want to get any kind of rest tonight, can you at least finish it up soon?”

“The paint's supposed to go where?” Leo propped up what Zo thought was supposed to be the footboard and looked at it thoughtfully. 

“I think it goes the other way around otherwise...” Zo's voice trailed off as Leo's fingers twitched and he muttered to himself, his mind probably already creating fifteen different designs for bed frames that eclipsed their new sale purchase from a big-name box store. 

It was the first night together in their new apartment, and Zo had thought something would make it feel more domestic, more special, more like home, as they took the big step in their relationship. Instead, Leo had spent most of the evening cursing and trying to put together the frame that he was now hammering into place with the rough, unfinished wood on the outside and the black matte paint inside, probably with a perfectly good explanation as to why he'd chosen to reverse it, even though it looked like shit.

Zo huffed and went back to the living room where their queen-sized mattress and box springs awaited their final destination. He wrestled them out of the plastic wrappers himself and put the mattress directly on the carpeted floor. Then swore when he realized they hadn't bothered to buy new sheets, and his threadbare doubles wouldn't fit. _Shitty ending to a shitty day,_ he thought, and lay down anyway, arm over his eyes, and tried to block out the pounding noises and frustrated curses from the next room.

He didn't realize he'd dozed off until he jerked awake when Leo snuffled in his ear. “The fuck,” he mumbled, but Leo manhandled him back into what he probably thought was a comfortable position and curled up tightly around him.

“I wondered where you'd gone. I spent five minutes asking you to help me hold the headboard so I could fasten it properly.”

“Is it done?” Zo muttered without much hope.

“It's together,” Leo said slowly, “but I don't think it's going to stay that way for long. Now, if I had more steel braces for reinforcement—”

“Leo, we tried that frame in the store—remember the rhythmic bouncing and humping motions you tried that nearly got us booted out?—and it was perfectly sturdy enough to meet all our needs. What did you do?”

“I may have made a few modifications, but surely—”

“Is it going to collapse if I drag you and this mattress in there right now and fuck you on it?”

There was a long pause before Leo said. “Is that an option?”

“Will it or will it not break?” Zo challenged.

Leo's hand sneaked from Zo's shoulder downward as he answered, “In that case, I think we're better off keeping the mattress on the floor.”

Zo grabbed Leo's hand with his own and urged it toward its ultimate goal. “Then maybe we should give the mattress a test right here. And tomorrow, you are reading those instructions and fixing that frame properly. Got it?”

Leo nodded since his mouth was already busy on Zo's neck. Then he pulled off to whisper, “This feels like home now that I'm with you.”

Zo leaned back into his embrace. “Yeah, I guess you're right,” he agreed and turned his head for a kiss. Even if he had to put up with subpar furniture, anywhere with Leo felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still taking prompt ideas from any of the memes on my Tumblr. I just can't promise they won't be crack or fluff or both.


	7. Leario pic prompt bazooka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another cracky humor fic, this one written for [this pic prompt](http://romibsauce.tumblr.com/post/141434709695/easter-assignment-create-a-story-using-the) on Tumblr. Many huge thanks to romibsauce for giving so much to our fandom!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was translated into [Russian HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14493630) by [Kana_Go](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kana_Go/pseuds/Kana_Go)! Thank you!

Rated: T for suggestive humor?

Pairing: attempted Riario/Leo

Warnings: Crack and bad humor. Make sure you check out the [original post](http://romibsauce.tumblr.com/post/141434709695/easter-assignment-create-a-story-using-the) for the glorious photos that inspired this nonsense.

Riario was running out of ideas, and he was growing more desperate by the day. He was known as the papal attack dog, the captain-general of the church, he ruled men and entire cities with the wave of his hand.

So why couldn’t he attract the attention of the one person he wanted—the only individual in all of Italy who confounded and amazed him? Whilst leaving him shaking with rage and possibly some other unnamed emotion he was not keen to define.

He had tried blackmail, torture, threats and stalking.

And it had gotten him nowhere. He couldn’t even properly explain his fascination with the hedonist artista, but Riario wanted his attention. He would do anything to get it.

He had nothing left to try but a blatant frontal attack that would demonstrate his strength.

So he waited until da Vinci was undressing one night, was shirtless and sweaty, probably at his most vulnerable, and he attacked.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Leo yelled after Riario broke in and slapped him. “What are you doing? And why are you not wearing a shirt? Or trousers?”

Riario had no good answer, so he undertook a strategic advancement to the rear and returned to Rome empty-handed. His bed was empty too.

Since his plan to provoke da Vinci outright had failed miserably, Riario was forced to try his last-ditch effort. He had been taught to never show weakness or capitulate to those lesser than him, but perhaps he could, indeed, catch a fly better with honey than vinegar. So he presented da Vinci with a special gift.

It had taken bribes and some more stalking to find out the artista really liked dead bodies. He either bought them from his reprobate acquaintance or found them himself. It alarmed Riario a bit just how much da Vinci seemed to like dead bodies, and he wondered if part of the reason that he couldn’t attract the artista’s attention was the fact that he was actually alive, but he chalked it all up to da Vinci’s studies of the human body (oh, if he would only study his).

So Riario brought da Vinci a fresh corpse, rife with mystery, and waited to be invited to share in his autopsy.

He was sadly disappointed when da Vinci instead started holding a conversation with the dead man and got out a terribly large knife with a bright smile on his face. Riario backed slowly out of the room to let them have alone time.

Riario finally went to the one man who never had any trouble getting what he wanted—he asked Sixtus. True, he had picked a bad time, but it seemed as though his father was always in the bath or with naked young men or plotting war, so he cleared his throat and quietly asked if he had any suggestions for how Riario could gain the attention of da Vinci.

He didn’t catch the smirk on his father’s face as he told Riario that perhaps he wasn’t man enough to master the artista, perhaps he had to show him his _equipment_ to win him over.

The thought that da Vinci might think him lacking in any way was abhorrent and he remedied it as soon as possible. He was determined to show the artista that he had the biggest gun in Renaissance Italy and he certainly knew how to use it.

Leonardo would have to be impressed.


	8. Polyarmory 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had this idea for a post-S3 AU that I wrote in an earlier ficlet [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6101949/chapters/13989483), and the idea continues to stick with me. Many thanks to the prompter IdrisEleven for letting me combine her prompts and continue this a little bit.

Rating: T? for angst and language?

Pairing: pre-Leo/Riario and pre-Leo/Zo/Riario

Warning: Angst, kind of spoilers for the end of S3, mentions of suicide. Please read Chapter 2 of this Collection for the first ficlet that sets up the AU a little bit.

 

_Idriseleven requested 3. “I don’t want your pity, I want your absence.” and 20. “It’s 8:30, I have a hangover and you’re annoying me.” (I had to change this a wee bit because of timekeeping reasons). With Riario and Zo? Doesn’t have to be RiariZo at all, and I kind of expect them to hate each other. Leo can be there if you want, or anybody else, but those two please?_

Um, I’m sorry? This got dramatic and angsty. :(

 

Zo looked up blearily when the bastard dropped a large number of very loud objects onto the table where he’d been resting his head.

“Fuck off,” Zo grumbled, but the asshole only glared at him. Zo figured it was his new default setting because it was the most frequent expression Zo ever saw on his cursed face.

“Leonardo said to carry these into the kitchen,” was all Riario replied before crossing his arms over his chest and glaring down some more.

“Leonardo said,” Zo mimicked in a high, sing-song voice then clutched his head when it throbbed anew. “Well, you obeyed. Now fuck off. It’s early, I have a hangover and you’re annoying me.”

“There is much work to be done sorting out the stable and making it into a proper workshop. Your assistance, unskilled as it may be, is better than none.”

“And I told you, I have a splitting headache and the less said about my stomach the better, so just go back to Leo and tell him I’m taking the day off.”

Riario tilted his head and speared Zo with his other expression, the I-can-see-through-you-and-you-are-sorely-lacking face. It was a look he only showed Zo, never Leo. “Do you want me to tell Leonardo that you are in here still feeling the effects of last night and feeling sorry for yourself? Or do you expect me to feel sorry for you too?”

Zo knew he was regularly drinking to excess, but he had excellent reasons. He was drinking to forget most of everything in the past year, actually, and the biggest reason was standing in front of him.

“I don’t want your pity, I want your absence,” Zo said, and how sad was his life that he actually missed the smirking air of superiority the old Riario would have given him.

The evil fuck sucked in a breath and straightened, and Zo tensed, waiting for an explosion, but Leo was hustling into the room and his movement and then familiar bump against Riario’s hip, made Riario let out the breath slowly, without untoward violence. Zo sighed gratefully, despite himself.

Leo looked from Zo’s face to Riario’s and back. “I thought we weren’t playing bait him anymore,” he said to Zo sharply, and damn it, it hurt. After everything they’d gone through, everything Zo had done for him, for them both, and this was his thanks, always taking the side of the mindless fuck. Speaking of…

Leo turned to Riario and gently grasped his forearm. Zo didn’t need to look up to see the expression on Riario’s face soften as his arms dropped away from their defensive posture. Zo did look away from Leo’s little smile of approval and stared into the fireplace as Leo carefully said, “Girolamo, there’s still one load I couldn’t carry. Would you mind bringing it in?”

Zo had to glance around to see the tiny movement at the corners of the son of a bitch’s mouth that indicated his acquiescence. That was an expression only Leo ever got to enjoy. Leo smiled back encouragingly and Riario inclined his head then left. As soon as the door shut behind him, Leo rounded on Zo.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he yelled as quietly as he could. Zo knew he’d lowered his voice so Riario couldn’t hear, but he’d like to think that it was also out of respect for Zo’s raging headache.

“I’m currently bemoaning every single one of my life choices since the moment I met you,” Zo grumbled.

“I mean about provoking him,” Leo gestured toward the door. “How many times have I told you that I’m still not sure if the re-conditioning worked and that the only way I can keep him stabilized is by staying on his good side.”

“I don’t know if you, in your infinite wisdom, have noticed, maestro, but he only has a good side for you. And you’re all that he talks about, when he can be arsed to talk. It’s always Leo says, Leo wants, did you have to reprogram him to be your mindless drone?”

Leo looked appraising which surprised Zo. “I hadn’t noticed that,” Leo said quietly.

“Well, of course not. When you’re around, he’s almost nearly somewhat sane,” Zo paused for effect, “or as sane as the fucker ever was.”

Leo sighed, “Just please stop antagonizing him.”

“And we’re supposed to walk on eggshells the rest of our lives?” Zo wasn’t ready to let it go. “Speaking of which, how long are we going to be forced to hide here in Vinci? It’s fine for you while you gad about playing house and attempt to retrain him like a broken gelding,” Leo bristled but Zo pushed on, “but some of us have lives to live and business to get back into, and I don’t think that retiring to the country is what I had in mind after I survived hell.”

“Then go,” Leo said shortly. “I told you that I had to save him.”

“And you did, before, in Florence,” Zo reminded him. “This is all his fault now. It was his choice.”

“None of this is his fault,” Leo argued.

“Well, what are you going to do about it now? You can’t keep watching him all day and all night. How long are you going to keep chaining him up?”

“He’s improving. You’ve seen it, Zo. His episodes are much fewer, and I’m only forced to tie him up when we sleep, mostly for your own feeling of security.”

“But how long are you going to keep at it, Leo? Or are you going to make him a slave permanently?”

Leo’s eyes flashed, and Zo knew he’d gone too far. It didn’t stop him, though. “What are you going to do if you are forced to admit you can’t fix him, that is, if he allows us to live through the experience?”

“I have beaten insurmountable odds. I have traveled to unknown lands and I have succeeded in defeating an army. His fits are not coming as often; I’m making great progress. I will save him!”

Riario had opened the door and was inside before either Zo or Leo noticed. Zo winced as he walked toward them slowly, Zo scanning the table for a suitable weapon and even Leo slid toward the fireplace and its tools. Riario either ignored them or didn’t care as he placed his load on the table between them.

“Zoroaster raises some interesting points,” Riario said in a low voice, carefully not looking at either of them.

“From the mouth of the devil,” Zo muttered, and Leo made a cutting gesture at him.

“How long do you think it is safe for us to stay here? Until someone puts it all together and comes looking for me, or you?” Riario asked, still staring down at the table.

Leo cleared his throat. “Let’s just say I can envision this as a hideaway, a place to heal and be safe for the moment. We can live like this for as long as we need to, and after that, I have ideas, more projects and inventions that neither Florence nor Rome has imagined. We can start anew.”

“And if I am not well,” Riario said, and Leo started to object but Riario held up a hand. “If I have not returned to myself soon,” he shot a wry glance at Zo, “to a sane and rational mind,” he corrected dryly, “then I will take matters into my own hands.”

“No,” Leo said as Zo made a noise of disgust. “I will never allow you to— what was that? Did you hear that?”

“I can’t hear anything over the pounding in my head,” Zo groaned as Riario shook his head in the negative.

“I thought I heard riders. Wait here, stay inside, I’ll go check.” Leo dashed outside without taking one of the crossbows he and Zo had hidden from Riario.

Zo thought Leo was becoming more and more paranoid as the days went on and they weren’t sure if there even was a search out for them and Count Riario. Leo often started awake thinking he’d heard an attack coming, if he even dared to sleep.

That was another reason for Zo to drink—it gave him a few hours of restless darkness before waking up to the reality, that of Riario now staring at him. Zo’s head hurt more than ever, tension adding to the general hangover, and he was sure that he was going to throw up. Only his pride kept him from doing it in front of the whoreson who stood before him.

Riario cleared his throat and his eyes fluttered to where Leo had run out the door. “Leonardo tends toward over-enthusiasm and arrogance about his own talents,” he said. “But you and I, we see the world more clearly, without his pride and over-confidence. If I have not fully recovered in one month… or if I attempt again to take his life or endanger either of you, then I want you to do what is necessary.”

Zo stared at him, mouth gaping. It was true he’d tried to kill Riario. And enthusiastically encouraged others to murder him. But it was far different to have the fuck in question asking him to do the honors.

“Leo would never forgive me,” Zo said finally.

Riario shrugged. “If I cannot stop myself and I cannot end my own life, someone must. To protect others, to protect Leonardo.”

Bile rose in Zo’s throat, not only from the hangover. “Then just fix this,” Zo said and pushed himself to his feet. He was going to make it outside and into a convenient bush before he succumbed.

Riario blocked him, and Zo sighed. “Get well. Try harder. You beat the Labyrinth conditioning once, and you’re a hard-headed bastard, you can do it again. Change yourself and actually be the man he thinks you are.”

“But you know better,” Riario’s eyes glittered dangerously.

Zo shrugged. “Leo loves a challenge, loves to beat the odds. He could be doing all of this just for spite, a big fuck-you to the entire world who’s telling him he can’t do it. But, not in this case. He’s doing this for you. It’s up to you how you repay him.”

Riario looked stunned so Zo took the opportunity to step around him and weave toward the door unsteadily. He grabbed the doorframe and looked back, “And if you decide to repay him with your body, please wait until I’ve gotten over this hangover. I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

He went out and made it around the corner of the house. It wasn’t just the excess drinking that made him sick. Zo really hoped things got better soon; the only thing worse than an ill, murderous Riario was a suicidal one. For more reasons than Zo cared to admit, he was rooting for the bastard to overcome whatever was wrong and go back to his old, stabby self. He really hoped Leo was right, and he hoped they had the time to find out.


	9. Leario cats I don't even know anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat DVD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every fandom needs that one really bizarre fic where all the characters are cats. So, here it is.

Do I need to mention that this is crack fic? THIS IS CRACK FIC.

Rated: G, although Zo as a cat still swears

Pairing: Leo/Riario

Warning: Cats. Crack. I tried to be funny. I'm sorry.

(Can I claim this is an April Fools’ fic? Yes, let’s do that.)

Idriseleven and I were talking about her incredible dramatic fic [Veritas](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5761465/chapters/13275232) and discussing canon!Leo, as you do, and she reminded me that Leo “married” Ima with Lucrezia’s ring in S2 and called him “Such a tomcat!”

That comment stuck with me because my weird brain latches on to mental pictures like that and so the da Vinci kitties were born. 

 

“It’s a perfect night to be out, wild, young and free,” Leo rubbed up against Zo’s shoulder and butted his head.

“Yes, well, you won’t be saying that after we’re run out of the fishmonger’s again. You know he found out his wife has been giving us scraps and he threatened to turn the hose on us next time.”

“So we just have to be smarter, sneakier,” Leo replied and nudged Zo again.

“Smart enough to stay away from the little wire boxes that have conveniently placed treats in them?” Zo turned back to look at Nico who promptly sat down and began to wash his back industriously, the better to make the point he was ignoring Zo’s barb.

“Lay off the kid, Zo. He’ll learn. We just need to teach him better about the traps.”

“At least he wears a collar with a tag,” Zo said. “Too bad we can’t get one of those little dingley bells for it. At least give the kid something to do for fun.”

Leo didn’t bother to warn Zo that Nico was on his feet and in one leaping bound had tackled Zo and rolled him over. The half-grown white Persian kitten didn’t stand much of a chance; Zo was a fully grown, black tortoiseshell tom and he’d forgotten more about fighting than Nico had yet learned. He let the kitten get in some kicks and a bite on his thick neck ruff before Zo rolled him over and pinned him. Then he ferociously groomed Nico’s face.

“Zo! Let me go!” Nico yowled, but Zo kept it up. Leo sat down to watch when he heard it—the quiet voice that hid in the shadows.

“Leonardo,” it hissed even though his name had no sibilants. Leo’s hackles rose and his ears went back instinctively.

Zo stopped the bathing and grumbled lowly, “Not him again. He’s the one who needs a fucking bell.”

A darker shadow moved in the corner of Leo’s vision and slinked toward him. Only the big, bright golden eyes were visible in the dim light of the alley.

“It’s you again,” Leo said flatly, ears still pinned back as he tracked the movement toward him.

“I thought you would be out, on a night such as this,” Riario stalked around him, slowly circling ever closer.

“How’d you get out? Your creepy old man leave the front door open again?” Zo growled at him.

“I will always find a way to get to you, Leonardo.” Riario stopped just to the side of Leo, his back arched gracefully, his sleek black fur puffing out a little more. His low voice rasped out a warning, and Leo echoed one back.

Riario struck in an instant, but Leo was ready. They rolled and fought, back legs kicking with power, front legs grabbing and holding. Their sharp teeth bit and slid off muscle. Leo might have been a stray but his street smarts and strength held up well against the well-fed and pampered Riario.

It was a fight they indulged in every night Riario could escape from the Pope house. He always managed to find Leo somehow, no matter where he was roaming, and yowl threats at him until they fought. The challenge usually lasted until some human threw something at them or turned on the sprinklers to send them both running away in defeat.

“I will have you,” Riario growled between biting at Leo’s throat.

Leo was never sure what he meant when he said things like that, so he kicked hard, trying to rake his claws into Riario’s belly.

“Come with me. My human has plenty of food. I have all the comforts we could ever desire.” Riario scrabbled to his feet so he could dive back on top of Leo.

“You want me to become a housecat!? You’re insane!”

“It wouldn’t be a bad life. We would rule the household together.”

“Trapped? In a house? The next thing you know, I’d be neutered!” The mere thought of it made Leo fight harder.

“I am certainly not,” Riario spit at him.

“Yes, but you have a pedigree. I’m just a bastard.”

“Not to me,” Riario bit down on Leo’s ear, and Leo winced, expecting a sharp tear. Instead, Riario licked it.

Leo was stunned, but he turned the gesture to his advantage and rolled Riario again, this time fighting until he was atop Riario’s back, holding him down with his sheer mass and weight.

To his surprise again, Riario didn’t struggle. Instead, he began to purr.

It sounded nice. It felt good. Leo leaned down and rubbed his cheek against the side of Riario’s face, and Riario turned his face into the touch.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Nico, let’s get out of here. Now,” Zo squawled loudly.

“Why? What if Leo needs us?”

“Leo does not need us. Now come on, before you see something that you’re too young to know about yet.”

Leo heard their arguing move away as he started purring in response to Riario’s insistent rumbling. He’d known it was a good night to be out, and now it was even more promising.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind, Leo is a giant short-haired yellow tabby tom, Riario is a sleek black Bombay. Zo is a long-haired black tortoiseshell, Nico a long-haired white Persian kitten. Leo has a home with Andrea when he wants because Andrea always puts out food for him and leaves a window open, but it's way more fun to be out with the stray Zo and Nico, a kitten who slips out of his yard whenever he can. Lucrezia is a purebred Siamese. Vanessa is an Angora mix. Lorenzo and Giuliano are Maine coons. And I'm actually a dog person, but I've known a lot of cats!


	10. Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for this [picture prompt](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/142190881300/romibsauce-weekend-assignment-create-a-story) which is extremely lovely and inspirational.

Set in my AU world where Leo actually accepts Riario’s offer in S1E2.

 

Leo had watched Riario when he roamed a room, searching, analyzing, then reaching out to examine and carefully touch. His hands looked pleasant and capable, nails cared for, fingers well-formed. Leo hadn’t had the chance for contact but the hands looked strong enough. The hands seemed curious, intrigued, Leo mused as Riario’s fingers untangled the chains around his neck, separating the key from the crucifix he wore, isolating his obsession from his faith.

Leo noticed Riario always wore a ring and wondered what it signified. Everything the count wore and did seemed purposeful, not vanity or affectation, so he wondered what the ring meant, who had gifted it, what it was remembrance of. The pattern of darkened silver skulls wasn’t a typical wedding band and it was the wrong hand besides, so he wondered why it had such importance.

Even as Riario reached for a candle to use the warm wax to make a seal on the letter giving Leo carte blanche in the stores and stalls of Rome for whatever supplies he deemed necessary, Leo watched the hands. If he’d thought about it before, he would have assumed a count’s hands to be pampered and plump, like his Holiness’.

Riario’s could have been used as an anatomical study: palms broad, fingers a fitting length, each knuckle and sinew strong. Quick to reach for a dagger or sword, probably calloused from long hours of practice with both, yet tender enough to caress his rosary as he said his prayers. A study in contrast, much like the man himself. This was a man with hidden depths, who took care of himself and what he cared about, but got his hands dirty and stained and was not afraid to use them himself.

_______

Riario had the gloves specially made for da Vinci himself, choosing not the finest, softest or most expensive leather, not out of parsimony, but instead insisting on the heaviest, thickest material available for better protection. When the artista finally remembered to put on gloves when dealing with caustic and dangerous chemicals, his hands demanded the finest security Riario could offer. He reasoned that he was only investing in the asset he’d already sacrificed so much for, and he sent a silent blessing to the gloves even when da Vinci used them to work with the delicate equipment that could be damaged by mere contact with flesh.

Riario would have found something even more secure if he could have, but da Vinci only shrugged it off, saying he couldn’t feel properly through the gloves and he needed all his senses to understand and create. Riario couldn’t disagree, could only bite off a little smile when da Vinci pulled off the gloves finally with a breath of relief and Riario was able to glimpse his hands.

Those quick, nimble, agile, knowing, skilled, creative hands. With the restless fingers that were indicative of da Vinci’s mood; no matter how he was able to still his face, his hands gave away his emotions. While Riario was supposed to be questioning and inspecting the work, urging the artista to more and faster progress, Riario spent time—too much time—in the workshop and watched those hands, amazed how they captured a human likeness, a graven image, so quickly and eerily lifelike. He sat for hours watching da Vinci draw, cast the sketch aside and start anew as his frustration grew, his hands unable to fully capture the picture he saw clearly in his mind. Riario sometimes rescued the discards from the fire and smoothed them out, tracing the same paths da Vinci’s fingers had taken, wondering how one man could make such astonishing drawings.

Riario watched as da Vinci switched his pencil between hands, never missing a stroke. Those hands were the perfect representation of the man himself—handsome, strong, beaten, willing and able to fight back, marked with scars from the past, yet still always eager to touch and start over and try again, never giving up.


	11. Prompt fic Author AU 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a prompt on Tumblr from dreamywritingdragon who prompted me Leo and Riario: “You’re supposed to talk me out of this”.
> 
> This is set in another modern AU that floats around in my brain. I tried to set it up and explain in this ficlet, but this scene would take place after the main action. So I’m “spoiling” you for a fic that I now don’t have to write! :D

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Leo muttered for at least the tenth time in as many minutes. He spun to look at Riario accusingly. “You’re supposed to talk me out of this.”

Riario shrugged, but Leo could see he was trying not to smile. “And yet, I am not,” Riario said very quietly.

“Why aren’t you talking me out of this?! You know it’s a really bad idea.”

“But you persist in doing so many things that would be considered really bad ideas,” Riario reminded him.

“And you’re one of those things,” Leo muttered lowly but he knew Riario would have heard. He had crazy-good hearing when he wanted to.

“Pardon me?” Riario said in that extra-polite tone that meant he’d heard every word.

“Nothing,” Leo returned. He couldn’t help but whine just a little more. “Are you sure I have to go through with this? I thought you would be keen to talk me out of it. Just think what this will do to your reputation.”

Riario huffed out a little laugh that meant he knew exactly what Leo was trying to do. “You are far more worried what people will think about you and your own reputation. Do not try and pin blame for this on me.”

“But to admit, in front of the entire world, that I wrote those books with Zo…you’ll be a laughingstock!”

The last-ditch effort wasn’t enough, and Riario laughed out loud as he saw right through Leo’s ploy. “You are afraid that you will be a laughingstock to all the literary illuminati who have practically worshiped your novels since you were discovered. What will their reactions be when they find out you’ve been making your money writing erotica with your friend? Best-selling erotica that is soon to be made into a ‘major motion picture’.” Riario’s voice sounded more contemptuous about the movie deal than about the smut. Leo thought that was hardly a distinction. If he and Zo were going to sell out, they were going to sell out for as much money, in as many markets, as possible.

It wasn’t his fault that his literary masterpieces didn’t sell. Leo wrote esoteric, surrealistic novels that critics loved and pointed to as the future of modern literature. Intelligent, well-connected, artistic people stood around at cocktail parties and talked about his novels, dissected his characters, reconstructed his deconstructed plots. It seemed like everyone who was anyone had read at least part of one of his novels.

But no one actually ever bought them. And so Leo was always hopelessly, helplessly broke even as he lit up his keyboard trying to create his art.

His best friend Zo had taken a slightly different path after university and went to work as a ghost writer. He labored to churn out autobiographies for celebrities and sports stars, never under his own name, and after he eventually realized no one bothered to read them, he started putting in things he simply made up. It took a long time before he was even questioned about it and subsequently fired.

So Leo and he decided to start writing together as a joke, a badly written romance novel that was mostly a modern retelling of some of the classic erotic stories they’d snickered over in college. On a dare and while drunk, Zo had actually submitted it to the romance branch of Florence Books, headed by the founder’s brother Giuliano Medici, and the book had been accepted.

That advance was enough to convince Leo and Zo to keep writing the trashy romance and erotica under one nom de plume. But to keep it interesting, they wrote it online, like a role play, sending each other a scene the other had to continue, always trying to make it more outlandish so the other writer would be stumped and admit defeat and the story could end.

The readers never caught on; instead they ate up the novels as quickly as Zo and Leo could write them. The money they made let Leo live as a full-time writer even as he chipped away at his own true novels that played over and over in his mind until he was able to finally write them down and exorcise them from his brain.

The bestsellers also pleased the editors at Florence Books who could now point to Leonardo da Vinci as their literary genius and to the non-existent Zodo Perecci as their money-making workhorse.

Leo had met Riario when Pope Publishing approached him, hoping to woo him away from Florence. Leo had taken the meetings, curious to find out what they were offering, hoping maybe he could make enough money to finally quit the romance trade. The old man Alessandro had not impressed him, but the hot guy he ran into—literally and with great force—at the elevator bank turned out to be the great Girolamo Riario, renowned scholar and actual bestselling author of some of the driest nonfiction Leo had ever fallen asleep trying to read.

The resulting war between Riario and Leo was not one Leo was particularly proud of. Riario was the darling of Pope because several of his textbooks were required reading for beginning fine arts courses at universities across the country. They made a fortune for Pope at extreme markup while Leo’s last critically acclaimed novel had sold just over 200 copies.

In the end, Leo had spurned Pope for Florence, choosing the freedom to write what he wanted above the lure of the money. But he still believed he’d claimed the best prize—Riario himself.

But now it was all coming back to bite him. As part of his renewed contract with Florence, Leo and Zo had reluctantly agreed to come clean about their books. Too many people, especially critics and fans online, had grown suspicious about the cherubic, handsome young man whose picture they used for publicity, and even Nico was tired of the ruse.

Then they got word that the filming rights for one of their novels—the first of a trilogy set in a fantasy world that resembled Renaissance Italy and full of sex toys and acts that probably wouldn’t be common until centuries afterward—had sold for a ridiculous sum of money. Zo had reluctantly agreed that they should come forward as the authors, even just to stop speculation. He went one step more and offered to take full responsibility so that Leo could keep his reputation intact.

Leo was tempted to take him up on it, but after the numerous disapproving looks from Riario, he knew he’d have to do it. It didn’t mean he had to like it.

“You’re sure you won’t talk me out of this?” he pleaded one more time, pulling at Riario’s tie, releasing it from its neat clip under his suit jacket.

Riario tugged the tie from Leo’s hand and smoothed it back down. Then he reached out and attempted to straighten Leo’s collar then tie then lapels but finally gave up. “You have nothing to be ashamed of,” Riario said. “Every writer wants to write what makes them happy and to make a living at it. You have managed to attain the best of both worlds. You can write your novels and yet have enough imagination with your best friend to write books that people love. And want to see made into films.”

“So I’m living the dream?” Leo mused and tried to think about it from that perspective, without thinking of the term “sellout.” Then he grinned slyly at Riario. “I’ve been thinking about taking up the offer from the film producers. You know, when they suggested that the author visit the set, maybe give them some insight into the characters and their motivations.”

“I believe the motivations of your characters is very obvious,” Riario said. “You have a sex scene every four pages.”

“You counted?” Leo teased as Riario shook his head. Leo sidled even closer. “I was thinking that we should visit the set, and maybe, if I ask nicely enough, we could even get a bit role in the movie. Perhaps in one of the orgy scenes?”

Leo had to laugh out loud at the outraged look on Riario’s face as he pulled away.

“Fine, fine,” Leo said, happy that he’d at least distracted himself momentarily and even happier when Riario grabbed his shoulders and reeled him in for a quick kiss.

“If we are going to star in a film adaptation of that book, I will demand we at least film the bathhouse scene,” Riario said.

“Where the world-weary hero scrabbles through the drains of the bathing pool while trying to escape the king’s guards and ends up getting personal with the lascivious prince? Who happens to be bathing completely naked except for his favorite dagger?” Leo remembered that scene fondly.

“Just so,” Riario said. “And if you go out there and handle this press conference with more honesty than arrogance, I will let you fill my bathtub tonight and we can attempt to re-create the moment.”

“Even when they?” Leo made a complicated gesture and Riario nodded.

“Especially that,” Riario nipped Leo’s bottom lip and released him. “Now go admit that you write smutty novels to the entire world before I change my mind.”

“Yes sir,” Leo said and took a deep breath. Zo gestured to him from the door and Leo stepped out, ready to move forward.


	12. Prompt fic Author AU 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for an anonymous ask [here](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/142333376510/another-leario-prompt-ficlet): Leo/Girolamo, 28. “I didn’t lose it, I just misplaced it.”
> 
> I set this in the same Modern AU as the last ficlet one chapter back, where Leo and Girolamo are both authors and are just beginning a relationship. Their history is given a bit more detail in the first ficlet.

“I can’t find it. It has to be here. Somewhere. I know I had it last night.” Riario dodged papers and books flying at him as da Vinci dug through the detritus of his home office.

“And what you have you lost now?” Riario asked. “Your motivation? Your sense of purpose? Your moral integrity?”

Da Vinci spared a moment to shoot Riario a glare. “My book. I didn’t lose it, I just misplaced it.”

“Where were you last reading it?” Riario glanced around the mess of the room and wondered for the hundredth time how da Vinci could keep track of where anything was located.

“I wasn’t _reading_ it; _my_ book. My book book. The book I have been writing for the past six months and whose first draft is due at the publisher by the end of the business day.”

Riario checked his watch. “That is in approximately 18 minutes.”

“I know that!” Leo pulled at his hair and took a deep breath. “I know that,” he repeated in a slightly calmer voice. “But if you aren’t going to help me look, and you’re not going to be useful, then just stop. And don’t move anything else!” He yelled again when Riario picked up a stack of old magazines. Riario slowly put them back down in the same place.

Leo went back to shoving things off his desk and rummaging through the drawers, at one point, yanking one free of its tracks and dumping the contents onto the floor. Riario looked over his shoulder at what appeared to be a collection of used popsicle sticks and old matchbooks.

“Please tell me that you have more than one copy of your book?” Leo was stubbornly silent. Riario sighed. “Why don’t you have more than one copy of your book? You have no cloud storage, no disk backup, no external hard drive, no hard copy at all?”

“It’s on a flash drive. I don’t trust online storage at all, not since I was hacked. And who uses disks anymore?”

“And the flash drive looks like?”

“A fucking flash drive!” Leo’s voice raised again before he could stop himself. He tried again. “It had a keychain hook and it was shaped like a Minion.” To Riario’s confused look, he clarified, “A little yellow cartoon character. It was a gift from Nico. I saved the book the night before last, right after I finished the prologue.”

“You knew the book was due today, and you just started writing the day before yesterday?”

“Stop judging me! The book is done, I just had to write the prologue last, you know, to make sure I had the proper flavor and voice without giving too much foreshadowing.”

Riario sighed. “Of course. That probably explains why your nonlinear storytelling is such a favorite of the critics.”

“We all have our methods,” Leo said vaguely, now trying to push the desk aside to peer under the Oriental rug. “Help me move this.”

Instead Riario grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. “Da Vinci, come with me.”

“I have to find this book right now. Clarice will have my balls if I miss another deadline. She threatened to rip them off and wear them as earrings after I was a week late turning in my last book’s rewrites. She’s been texting, emailing, leaving me messages three times a day all week. I can’t miss it! Fuck!”

Leo tried to drop to the floor again, but Riario grasped his other arm firmly. “Leonardo, come to bed.”

“Oh my god, why would you do this to me now?!” Leo squeezed his eyes shut tightly to block out the tempting view and keep his motivation. “I have been waiting for you to take the initiative in our lovemaking but why do you have the worst possible timing?! I just can’t do this right now.”

“Leonardo, I—”

“Oh fuck it, Clarice can wait,” Leo mumbled the last word against Riario’s lips as he crushed their mouths together. He ran a hand around Riario’s neck and stepped closer, tonguing enthusiastically into Riario’s slack mouth before he realized Riario wasn’t kissing back. Leo pulled back slowly but let his hips pressed against Riario’s. “I’m sorry. You wanted to take the lead. Go ahead.” Leo leaned back on his cleared desk, and pulled Riario down on top of him.

“That is not—” Riario started to say, but Leo was running greedy hands up his back, one pulling his T-shirt aside to stroke up bare skin. Riario shivered and leaned down further, bracing himself on one hand and letting the other stroke Leo’s cheek. Then Leo maneuvered somehow to bring one leg up and wrap it around Riario’s hip, bending himself to bring Riario’s groin down in contact with his, making them both groan. This time, Riario opened his mouth when Leo kissed him, then grabbed Leo’s hair and twisted, making Leo moan and jerk his head involuntarily. Riario used the opportunity to kiss over to his ear, bite the hinge of his jaw, suck a reddened mark on the pulse point of his neck.

Leo moaned again and humped his hips up to Riario’s as he clutched at his back. “Come on, make me forget that I’m such a screw-up.”

Riario sucked another mark a little lower and tried a slow grind of his hips down into Leo’s. From the way he squirmed beneath him, Leo liked it, and showed his appreciation by trying to work his hand from Riario’s spine around to his front. Riario tried to catch the hand and catch his breath enough to speak. “You are not a screw-up.”

“I am, I am, a total fuck-up. But now all I want is to fuck you.” Leo threw back his head when Riario bit into the divot of his collarbones, and he howled from the pain and the pleasure. “Or you fuck me, come on.”

But Riario was pulling away, despite Leo contorting to wrap his other leg around Riario’s waist, and for a moment Riario feared Leo would end up latched onto his front when he lifted up from the desk. But then Leo let go of him and fell back to the desk with a thump. Riario smoothed down his shirt, ran a hand through his bangs then held it out to Leo. “Come with me.”

Leo sighed and hammered a fist on the desk. “I am perfectly satisfied with a quickie on my desk. It will give me something pleasant to remember while I’m chained to it for the next six months rewriting everything all over again.”

Riario just stood before him, decidedly unimpressed by his dire plight, with his hand extended. Leo finally rolled to his feet and took the hand, and Riario started to lead him down the hall toward his bedroom. Leo sighed loudly again. “Just don’t expect me to give my full attention. I’m going to have to figure out how to appease Clarice and start all over again. I might just be lying back and letting you do all the work, so you’d better offer a suitable distraction.”

Riario let go of Leo’s hand gently then shoved him so Leo sat down on the bed with a bounce. He got to work at his belt and fly while Riario said, “Do you ever bother to make your bed? It looks exactly like when I left this morning.”

“Why waste the time? I’m assuming that every night you’re here, we’re going to destroy the bedding anyway.” Leo reached for Riario’s belt next, but Riario sidestepped and fluffed the pillow. “What? Are you one of those fancy people who needs the bed to be straightened before you mess it up all over again?”

“No, but I am one of those people who cannot sleep when something foreign is poking them in the back the entire night.” Riario slipped his hand from under the pillow and dropped the Minion onto Leo’s lap.

Leo grabbed it in delight and smiled up at Riario. “There’s a joke there about princesses, peas and hard things that should be keeping you awake at night, but I have to go email a very ecstatic Clarice.” He jumped to his feet, grabbed at his falling jeans, zipped them quickly then grabbed Riario’s face in both hands. He stared into the big, brown eyes for a moment and smiled again, sincerely, with no sarcasm or snark, only pure happiness. “Thank you,” he said and kissed Riario gently.

“You have only two minutes,” Riario said, opening his eyes slowly after the kiss.

Leo smacked a kiss to his forehead. “Then you have two minutes to get ready. We have to celebrate! Before Clarice finishes editing and makes me re-write everything I slaved so hard on.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Riario said dryly, and Leo ran to the office to turn in his next masterpiece.


	13. Not even more cats idk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This immediately follows the events of Chapter 9 of this collection. I don't even anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

In the end, it wasn’t violence that stopped their fighting—it was the arrival of a zealous and foolhardy animal control officer. As he cursed the cats and swore loudly at their speedy evasions, he still managed to capture first Nico then Zo then eventually Leo when he went back to rescue the other two. Riario all but jumped into his net by that point, just so he would not be left behind.

The neighbors were grateful that the city was finally doing something about the loud feral cat problems; the animal control officer was grateful that his protective gear had worked for once and saved him from bites and scratches. He had grown used to the pitiful noises that came from the back of his van, but he would never forget the look in the eyes of the bigger cats when he tried to pick up the crates. It suddenly made him glad that the bars of the crates were very strong and the locks secure.

But when he was filling out the paperwork, he found that the young fuzzy white cat had a collar on. Although none of the cats seemed to be microchipped, the collar did have a phone number engraved on it.

Within an hour, Vanessa had arrived with a flurry of papers, Nico’s shot records real but the others fabricated from his. She had done this before.

“Nico, you bad, bad baby,” she scolded while the officer glanced over the forms. Nico ran to her immediately, and she scooped him up, still scolding, while he bumped his nose against hers. Her rebukes turned to coos and Nico rubbed shamelessly on her, purring like a happy buzzsaw.

Zo and Leo sat patiently in the cage, trying to look as innocent and kittenish as possible, and Vanessa sighed then laughed. “I know, boys. I’ve bailed you out before. But what were you doing fighting again? You know better!”

The answer was probably the black cat lurking in the back, hissing when anyone came near. Vanessa had never seen it—she peered a little closer—him before, but he was obviously cared for and groomed. He was definitely not a street stray.

“Well, you seem to have the right papers here,” the control officer agreed reluctantly. “It looks like you’ve gotten shots for all of them, but I would highly suggest you look into getting them neutered. It will not only reduce their urge to fight and cause trouble, but you’ll also be responsible for controlling the pet and feral population.”

“I know,” Vanessa sighed. Her boyfriend had bought her the Persian kitten for her birthday, and she knew she would get around to it. So far Nico hadn’t been interested in mating, but he had brought more cats into her life through his little friends. Vanessa wasn’t about to make the decision to have them fixed.

Then she realized the officer had assumed the unknown black cat was hers too, and Vanessa didn’t have the heart to tell him differently. The cat was beautiful, and his great golden eyes never seemed to blink as he stared at her from the corner.

“I’ll take them home now,” she decided. The officer opened the cage door again, and Zo darted out, but Leo stopped. He looked back inside the cage then up at Vanessa then went back to the black cat and chirped. The black cat struck out, and Vanessa thought she’d made the wrong choice and they were going to fight, but the black cat only slung an arm around Leo’s neck, pulling him closer and Leo went willingly.

Then Leo looked up at Vanessa again and she melted. “Oh, so it’s like that, is it? OK, Leo, let’s get you and your new paramour home.”

She knew she should crate them for the drive, but she’d only brought Nico’s small crate which would never fit the three large males. She drove slowly and very carefully, impressed by how well-behaved they were, even as black cat curled up with Leo on the backseat. Zo rode shotgun and meowed loudly the entire drive.

When she announced that they were home, she opened the car door and Nico dashed into the front yard followed by Zo who put his ears back and ran as though someone would stop him.

Leo jumped out and stretched while the black cat jumped out and looked around then started trotting down the street. Leo warbled at him and he stopped and turned.

Vanessa watched the scene with a smile. “You don’t have to leave yet, kitty. I know these boys are always hungry, and Andrea is sound asleep by now, so I’ll feed you all.” The black cat gazed at her as though he understood. “I’ll even open Giuliano’s good tuna if you prefer.”

The cat looked at Leo who took the opportunity to sit down and have a really good scratch at his neck with his hind foot. Vanessa made a mental note to check him for fleas again and remind Andrea to reapply the medicine she’d gotten him.

The black cat made up his mind and sauntered back toward them, ears alert, tail high, posture stiff. Leo stopped his scratch and lay down, batting playfully at the black cat as he walked by. The black one ignored him and stopped at Vanessa’s feet, peering up at her before slowly and deliberately rubbing his head against her ankle then following through with his entire arched body as he walked toward the yard.

Vanessa felt like she’d been graced something special by his affectionate claim. “So polite, you are. We’ll have to call you the prince or the count.” Leo jumped to his feet and took after the black cat, tackling him and biting at his neck. “Oh Leo, you never change, you big kitten.”

Vanessa shooed them into the house and carefully closed the gate, double-checking the latch. She would sleep better tonight, knowing they were all safe and sound, and she’d worry about the black cat’s owner in the morning. Although watching him growl and hold Leo down, she thought he could more than take care of himself around the gang.


	14. Happy birthday Leo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little crack for [this picture prompt](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/142870892645/romibsauce-zephfair-romibsauce-yet-another). It happened to coincide with the time around Leonardo's birthday so this spewed out. It also ended up fitting in weirdly with my little polyarmory AU world that I have in these ficlets.

RATED: T? for language  
PAIRING: pre-Lezorio (Leo/Zo/Riario)

Something cold, wet and hairy touched Leo's cheek, slobbering a bit, nudging him awake. He cracked an eye open and croaked, “What the everloving fuck is that?” as he looked up into two big, furry nostrils.

“They are the mystical llamas,” a deep voice voice intoned. Leo turned his head to the side and saw a dark, caped figure shrouded in the shadows.

“What is...Zo?” he asked, his mind catching up to and recognizing the voice. Another caped figure stepped forward and revealed “Amerigo? When did you get here?”

“That's not important. What is important is that your present is—” 

“I'm chained to the floor. Why can't I get up?” Leo tried to roll to loosen his bonds.

“The entertainment is on its way,” Zo said as one of the llamas began to nibble gently on Leo's shirt. 

Leo could hear a gabble of female voices coming nearer, then Ima appeared behind Zo. Leo shouted in shock, but Zo didn't show any surprise.

“We need our payment up front,” Ima demanded.

“I told you, we'll give you the money after the girls have danced,” Zo argued.

“No gold, no dancing,” Ima firmly stood her ground as Leo tried to yell that Zo needed to watch his back.

“What kind of party is it if there's no dancing?” Zo returned.

Then Riario and Nico rushed in holding arms full of curtains. “We've got to get out of here! Come on!” Nico pulled at Leo and he was free from the chains, jumping to his feet.

“How is Ima here? What is going on?” Leo demanded, but Nico was taking another drapery from Riario.

“We're going to fly!” Nico said and jumped out the window.

Leo shouted after him that it wasn't safe, he was going to crash, but Riario was handing him a golden-colored head. “I have decided to become a barber. May I borrow your wig to practice on?”

“What wig?” Leo clutched at his head and felt his normal spiked coif was now long and greasy. And there was a bump that screamed in pain when he touched it…

“I think he's coming around,” Zo's voice came in loud and clear, and Leo opened his eyes to look at a fur-covered chest, but at least it was one he was very familiar with.

Leo tried to sit up but Zo's and Riario's hands eased him back down. “Your new flying device was not a success, Artista. Why did you try to fly it yourself?” Riario chided.

“Nico wasn't here, and I don't know anyone else naive enough to let me strap him in,” Leo said honestly.

“You need to rest. You hit your head when you landed, but I don't think you have any broken bones,” Zo answered.

“Did the glider break? There were some new pieces I engineered, and I don't have any spares.” Leo tried to get up again, but Riario held his shoulders down.

“Zoroaster has already gathered it up and it is safely hidden in the barn. Now you need to worry about yourself. We are greatly relieved that you have finally awoken.”

Leo smiled a little at the “we” that came easier from Riario's lips these days. “I had the strangest vision while I was unconscious.”

“Sex dreams are nothing new for you,” Zo teased as he brought him a drink.

“It was confusing but you were both there, and Nico and Amerigo and Ima,” Leo paused to drink and didn't miss the look that passed between Zo and Riario. Neither had ever spoken specifically about their adventure to the New World, but he was sure both hated Ima with the same vehemence. “And there were llamas. A herd of them.”

“They were fascinating creatures,” Riario offered.

“And what were we doing in your vision? If Amerigo was there, I am sincerely hoping we were all fully clothed,” Zo said.

“I think you said something about giving me a present and having a party?”

Again Zo and Riario looked at each other, and Leo wondered now what he'd said. Then they turned their gaze on Leo. “Well, that was our surprise for tonight. You do remember we asked you not to take the glider out today because we had plans?” Zo reminded him.

“Today?”

Riario nodded. “Did you forget your own birthday? And we even had something special planned.”

“Had?”

When they looked at each other the third time and actually shared a smirk, Leo felt a shiver of worry. Or maybe arousal. It was hard to tell what the two of them could do if they ever joined forces, and it seemed like he was about to find out.

Then Riario looked back to him and rested a hand on his chest. “You will need to be at the peak of your health in order to enjoy what special surprise we have planned.”

“It's just going to have to wait until you recover,” Zo agreed and lay a hand on Leo's other pectoral.

“Okay,” Leo said slowly and reached to grab both their wrists. “Can't I even get a sneak preview?”

“Do you think we should introduce him to the llama?” Zo asked Riario who solemnly nodded but Zo laughed. “No preview, nothing until that bump on your head is gone.”

“And then we will celebrate,” Riario all but purred.

Leo shut his eyes and thought it promised to be the best belated birthday ever. Even if there was no llama.


	15. The Scooby Gang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for a prompt on Tumblr from the great Meridian-Rose who asked for: meeting at a masquerade ball au - Riario meets the Scooby Gang (Leo, Nico, Zo, Vanessa) at a ball thrown by Clarice - very specific, sorry (not that sorry) 
> 
> Since your contrition is obviously deep and sincere, I've tried my best. :p This was the first crazy (and literal) idea that popped into my head so I ran with it. I am obviously as sorry as you were. ;D

“I don't see why I have to be Daphne!” Nico wailed. 

“If you say it one more time, I'll rip that wig right off your head,” Zo threatened.

Nico clapped a hand to his head and yelped. “It's my own hair!”

“I know that, but you just have to shut the fuck up for five minutes.” Zo held out the hem of the oversized green T-shirt he wore. “Do you think I like this idea any more than you do?”

“At least you're fully covered. In fact, that's probably the first shirt you've worn in years that actually completely covers your chest,” Nico sneered.

Zo shrugged. “Probably, yeah, since around the time my chest hair started to come in. If you've got it, why not flaunt it.”

“But that still doesn't explain why I have to be in a miniskirt!” Nico's voice grew louder until Vanessa swept out of her car and walked over to them.

“I think you look adorable,” she said, running her hands down his hips and fixing the bottom of the purple minidress. Zo held in a laugh as Nico's eyes nearly crossed in pleasure. Vanessa didn't seem to notice as she retied the scarf at his throat.

“But, Vanessa, you're even a redhead, Daphne is perfect for you,” Nico tried, growing more desperate.

“But I want to be appreciated for my mind,” she said, fitting on a thick-framed pair of glasses. She adjusted the bobbed wig and preened. “Do I look like a proper crimesolver?”

“We all look bloody ridiculous,” Zo mumbled but his mouth dropped open when Leo walked over. “What the fuck did you do to your hair?!”

“I dyed it. Had to get in character,” Leo explained. Nico and Zo gaped at the blond 'do, but Vanessa just eyed him critically.

“If that's true, the beard has to go,” she said, but both Leo and Zo covered their jaws with their hands.

“The beard stays,” Leo said as Zo affirmed, “Ladies love the beard.”

“Right,” she said, rolling her eyes. “If you have to grow hair on your faces to prove something to yourselves, go right ahead. Come on, Daphne, let's show them what the girls can do.”

She linked arms with Nico who tottered precariously on the heels but faithfully followed her inside.

“Where's the dog?” Zo asked, trying to get used to the look of light-haired Leo. The obvious bleach job might not look bad, if his beard wasn't so dark.

“What dog?”

“Scooby Doo, the fucking dog.”

“Oh,” Leo glanced around as though he'd been in possession of a large Great Dane just a minute before but it had wandered off without him noticing. “I dunno. Vanessa said she'd take care of it.”

“Well, it's probably for the best. I can't imagine Clarice wanting a massive dog roaming around her house.” Zo peered up at the large house, he would go so far as to call it a proper mansion. The doors were open and the windows all brightly lit, music and laughter reaching them even from the driveway. “Don't you think it's weird, though, her throwing a big party to celebrate her divorce from Lorenzo?”

“Why not? He was an asshole to her when they were married, so it's about time she gets to have some fun.”

“I heard she got the house, a couple of the vacation homes and most of the cars in the settlement,” Zo confided as they headed into the mansion. “Rumor has it Lorenzo was going to move in with his brother until Vanessa put a stop to it. We're all glad that Clarice got full custody of the girls.”

“Yeah,” Leo said, checking out the entryway of the house. “I always liked Clarice. She's the one who made sure I was paid for all the work I did for the bank. And I didn't even have to tip her off that Lorenzo was sleeping his way through the hot young tellers since she found out on her own. There are some really nice pieces here,” he distracted himself by looking at one of the paintings.

“Thank you,” Clarice said from behind him. Zo did a double-take at her. She smirked and sashayed closer.

“That's a very—” Zo cleared his throat and tried to bring his voice down. “A very nice costume, Catwoman.”

“Thank you,” she purred, running a long, bright-red nail along his jaw. Zo shivered at the sensation. “Don't you all look adorable.”

“We look like shit,” Zo said and took a step forward before he could stop himself when she took her claws away. 

“Nonsense. At least you got into the spirit of the party. And managed to keep it family friendly. The girls are here for the moment, they wanted to see all the costumes before Mother picked them up. Won't you come into the ballroom and get a drink?”

She led them in then was stopped by a Superman who wrapped an arm around her waist and drew her into conversation with some other members of the Justice League.

“Damn,” was all Zo could say and Leo had to agree. “I think Clarice is going to be just fine.”

They headed toward a table laden with food when Nico wobbled over to them. “Where have you been? Vanessa had me looking everywhere for you. And some guy grabbed my ass,” he hissed.

Zo did a long leer at him, “Well, darling, you do have very attractive knobby knees.” Then he stepped back in a hurry to avoid Nico's slap. “Stick with me, Daph, and I'll protect you from the evil lechers.”

“You're among your own kind,” Nico grumbled, pulling at his miniskirt again.

Then Vanessa bustled up, hand on the arm of a man not in costume, unless, Leo thought, he was supposed to be a GQ model. The man was gorgeous, distinguished, firm shouldered and just exactly Leo's type.

“This is Girolamo, he's an old friend of Clarice's family,” Vanessa said, hurriedly pointing out the rest of her friends. “I have to get back and pick up Giuliano, Lorenzo is trying to make a fuss of course, so I leave him in your hands. Oh and here. Since Giuliano might not make it, and you don't have a proper costume...” 

She clapped a headband to Girolamo's head before he could duck away. Leo tried to hold in a laugh at the floppy brown ears on the headband. Zo didn't even try and burst out laughing. Girolamo rolled his eyes as though trying to see the top of his head while still being polite to the girl holding his arm.

“It looks like we found our dog,” Zo choked out between laughs, and Girolamo turned a look of pure venom on him. “Good boy,” Zo hooted and laughed even harder.

Vanessa just smiled at the two and gave Riario's arm a little squeeze. “You all have fun until I get back. Jinkies Nico, stop wrinkling your skirt!”

Nico let go of the hem guiltily, and they all bid goodbye to Vanessa, Girolamo even tipping his head to her. And once she turned around, he whipped off the headband and stared at the dog ears.

“You should leave them on. You look...” Leo trailed off before he could say “cute,” “adorable” or “fuckable” and ruin all his chances with Girolamo.

“I refuse to dress up like a child for this,” Girolamo said and dropped the headband onto the table.

“But Vanessa won't like it,” Nico piped up. “And besides, it's fun. Sort of,” he clarified when all the men looked at him.

“Come on, Scoobs, will you put the ears back on for a Scooby snack?” Zo cracked himself up again, and Leo watched Girolamo crack his knuckles then make a fist, so he put a hand on his arm.

“I don't blame you for that,” Leo said. “I'm not normally blond.”

He preened under Girolamo's careful look from his hair tips to his toes. “It doesn't suit you,” Girolamo finally said and Leo wilted a little. “But I suppose the idea behind the party is a good one.”

“Not a fan of Lorenzo either?”

“Not at all,” Girolamo said.

“He's a total dick,” Leo said, and Girolamo agreed.

There was a long moment of awkward silence as their eyes roved over the rest of the party and tried to ignore the prattle of Zo and Nico behind them.

“So,” Leo finally said, “you want to get out of here?”

“Oh god, yes,” Girolamo put down his glass.

“Hey, where are you going?” Zo called after them. “You'd better not be out solving any mysteries without me! Unless it's the mystery of what he's keeping in his pants and then it's all yours.”

Leo had to reach out and grab Girolamo's arm again when he stopped and turned to go back to Zo. “Leave it,” Leo suggested. “I'm sure we can find something else to occupy us.”

“That may not be a mystery,” Girolamo agreed then grabbed Leo's arm in an iron grip as a thought occurred to him. “Please tell me that you do not have a van.”

Leo pulled up to a stop and grinned guiltily. “It's only for tonight. Vanessa is extremely convincing when she wants to be.”

Girolamo's lips moved and Leo swore he heard a prayer then Girolamo was leading him away. “At this point it could only be an improvement.”

So Leo led him to the Mystery Machine and found out that shag carpeting left a lot of rug rash and Girolamo did not like to be called “Good boy” even when he most definitely was.


	16. Leario Thieves bit bloody hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very late fill for another prompt from Meridian-Rose who requested: "There’s blood on my/your hands.” Riario/Leo 
> 
> I'm sorry I can't get these two idiots to cooperate and do anything serious for you. I apologize for some more suggestive crack.
> 
> This is set in the Thieves universe sometime shortly after the first installment.

PAIRING: Leo/Riario  
RATING: M for suggestive talk?

“There's blood on your hands,” Riario murmured, grabbing Leo's wrists and turning the hands palm upward before Leo could touch him.

“'S not blood, it's paint,” Leo answered against his lips.

“Some of it is definitely blood,” Riario said, pulling away from the attempted kiss. Leo was still leaning toward him, so Riario took advantage of the movement and pulled him off-balance. When Leo stumbled toward him, Riario used the momentum to propel him to the kitchen sink.

Even though Leo grumbled, he allowed Riario to run his hands under warm water then hissed. “That hurts,” he said in surprise.

“I told you, you are bleeding.” Riario ruthlessly squirted dish soap all over Leo's hands and started rubbing them together before Leo pulled away and took over scrubbing himself. While Leo rinsed, Riario fetched a first-aid kit, one of several he kept stocked, just in case.

Once he gave Leo a clean towel, he sat beside him at the kitchen table and inspected the hands with their perfectly shaped palms and long fingers. And if Riario gave them a longer inspection than the injury warranted, Leo didn't complain. There was a long, thin slice in the side of his left palm running nearly to the wrist, but Riario wasn't worried. It didn't appear deep or in need of stitches, so he merely cleaned it thoroughly with alcohol and slapped a large bandage on it. He already knew Leo was current on his tetanus shot.

While he cleaned up the bandage wrapper, he glanced up, realizing that Leo had been silent much longer than usual. Leo was looking at him with the most bemused expression on his face that Riario had ever seen. When Leo knew he was caught, he schooled his face back into boredom, but he gave Riario's hand a little squeeze.

“Thank you,” he said simply.

Riario cleared his throat and let go. “How did you injure yourself?”

“Who knows? I probably sliced it open on one of my brushes or easel,” Leo shrugged. “I guess I can say that I put more of myself than usual into that painting.”

“There are easier ways of sharing yourself than painting with your own blood.”

“There's probably a market for that,” Leo mused, scratching at his beard with his good hand. “I should look into it.”

“Absolutely not,” Riario said firmly then regretted it as soon as Leo grinned.

“Why, Riario, I didn't know you were so invested in my well-being. This is a fine time to show you care.”

And now Riario remembered why he never showed softness to da Vinci because Leo pushed his bandage toward Riario's face, “I know how you can fix it. Won't you kiss it and make it better?”

Riario ducked to avoid the hand and got to his feet in one smooth motion, taking the first-aid kit along with him to the counter. “I believe that only works on more serious injuries,” he said dryly and continued rummaging through the kit to ignore Leo's pout.

“So you'll only try it if I'm mortally wounded?”

“Then there would be no need,” Riario answered honestly but did turn finally to see Leo's outraged expression.

“No need, my ass. You are the least romantic person I have ever met in my life. I don't even know what I find attractive about you,” Leo grumbled sotto voce until Riario rolled his eyes. “At least give me that first-aid kit to see if there's anything in it for the burn you just inflicted on me.”

Riario lobbed the metal box at him, and as soon as he did, he knew what was going to happen. Leo had incredible reflexes, probably honed from all the years of near-misses with his experiments and explosives, and he had an uncanny ability to catch things one-handed. 

So it was obviously completely intentional when he fumbled the kit with his bandaged hand and it fell into his lap. Riario closed his eyes when Leo let out a wail and grabbed himself.

“It wasn't that hard,” Riario insisted.

“It might never get hard again,” Leo retorted then whimpered pitifully. 

“That could not have hurt as badly as you're pretending.”

“Oh, it did. I'm injured, possibly mortally wounded!” Leo cracked open one eye to see if Riario was paying attention before he whimpered again.

“Well, then, allow me to leave you alone for your dramatic death scene.” Riario walked past but Leo's injured hand shot out and grabbed his arm firmly.

“But you promised you would kiss it,” he said faintly, turning big eyes up to Riario's unimpressed ones. Then he grinned unrepentantly and Riario remembered what it was that drew him to da Vinci. At least, in part, it was his attitude towards life and his willingness to be thoroughly immature if the mood struck him. It brought more ease and humor to Riario's life than he'd ever had before, and da Vinci was thoroughly unlike any of his friends or previous lovers. Yes, he had times of depression and moodiness and occasional outbursts of rage and illegal activities but they were offset by his sense of whimsy and ability to make fun of anything.

Even such a ridiculous scene as the one before him made Riario want to smile. But he didn't. Instead he picked up the offending box and shrugged.

“Perhaps if you meet me in the bathroom in five minutes, we can shower the rest of the paint off you,” he said, gently prying Leo's hand off his arm.

“And kiss?” Leo implored hopefully.

Riario just couldn't resist a little smile at that. “Perhaps.” He leaned down to Leo's ear and whispered breathily. “If you aren't too badly injured to enjoy it.”

Leo gave a little affected shiver then looked down. “Well, would you look at that. Perhaps I'm not mortally wounded after all.”

“I thought not,” Riario said and offered his hand. Leo grabbed it with his good one and hoisted himself to his feet and directly into Riario's chest.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Leo said and brushed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“Try to be more careful around sharp surfaces. Or I may have to baby-proof the flat.”

Leo smiled and kissed him properly and this time Riario kissed back.


	17. Riario and Nico bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another late fill (I'm so sorry!) for a prompt from Meridian-Rose: “I’ve never killed anyone before.” Riario &or/ Nico

No pairing  
Rated: G? except for talk of death

“I'm not sure I can do it,” Nico turned his pale face up to Riario. “I've never killed anyone before.”

The calls of strange birds were loud over them, and the forest was hotter and wetter than anywhere Nico had ever been. They had survived the shipwreck and swum ashore, and once they'd finally dried out, Riario had led them into this jungle in search of food and fresh water.

Now he stood over Nico and proffered a knife.

“You must learn sometime to protect those you care about, those you love.” Riario's head inclined toward Zita, and Nico didn't think he even realized it. “You must learn how to survive.”

Zita was holding a similar knife with some skill and the look on her face spoke volumes. Nico didn't doubt that she would do whatever it took to keep Riario safe.

But he didn't think he could. He had seen Leo do it. He'd seen Zo do it. He himself had thought he could kill Riario, back on the riverbank outside Rome, when he was tied up and taunting them. But the thought of taking the knife Riario was extending and actually plunging it into a stranger, knowing it would end their life forever, Nico wasn't sure he could do it.

Riario continued to hold the knife handle out to him and gaze down at him. 

“You can do it,” Riario said as though he could read Nico's doubts. “Never again will you be underestimated. You have come to the far side of the world, already survived more danger than most people will experience in a lifetime. But we do not know what lies ahead.”

From the way Riario said it and the wary glances he threw at the thick green undergrowth, Nico knew he wasn't just talking about wild animals.

“Take the knife. It is small protection, but it is better than none.” Riario paused and met his eyes squarely. “You do want to survive to meet your maestro and friends again, do you not? And prove to them once and for all that you are not a child to be coddled? We are here in this heathen world together, and to survive it, we must work together.”

Nico looked from him to Zita and back to the knife. And he knew what he must do, that he would do whatever it took to stay alive. For himself, for his maestro, and for the two he was depending on now. He wanted to live. He took the knife and ignored Riario's quiet smile at his obedience.


	18. Leo/Riario/Zo prompt meme fill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The incredibly amazing [IdrisEleven](http://archiveofourown.org/users/IdrisEleven) gave me a prompt from [this meme](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/156291910940/ive-been-seeing-a-lot-of-au-posts-for-two-person), and I thank you for graciously letting me change it a little because I got so excited when you messaged me that I immediately began writing…and messed it up. Thank you for your leniency! lol
> 
> You requested: “i accidentally took the seat that was between a couple because they were fighting and now i have to deal with them fuck” au
> 
> And it’s Leo and Riario who are fighting and Zo who is sitting in the middle… 
> 
> Modern American AU
> 
> Rated T for swearing because come on, it’s Zo

Zo always claimed he was just sitting there, innocent as a lamb, trying to relax and enjoy his night out at his favorite bar. Sure, he was savoring a couple drinks. Yeah, he’d maybe thought about trying to pick up someone for the night.

But it still wasn’t his fault.

It was just his bad luck the place was crowded as fuck for once.

Zo found a less than prime seat at the bar, exchanged cheek kisses with his favorite bartender Vanessa, and looked around at the masses. Vanessa shrugged as she handed over his beer. “We’re not sure why everyone picked tonight to come out, but we need the business!”

Zo sipped his beer and watched the crowds, enjoying the one empty seat at the bar to his right, and ignoring the young man to his left.

He’d just ordered a burger when the trouble began.

First, the guy sitting on his left got up to leave, so Zo spread out a little.

The first sign of real trouble came when he was jostled from behind, the brush of a body almost pushing him off his stool. But the bar was so crowded he merely bounced like a ping-pong ball when the two bodies behind him pressed closer to the bar.

“Excuse you, what the fuck—” Zo stopped because there was not one, but two gorgeous men behind him, glaring, and Zo opened his mouth to make a sarcastic excuse for whatever he’d apparently done wrong when he realized they were glaring at each other.

“I told you we shouldn’t come out tonight. It’s too busy to get a table, and there’s not even two seats together at the bar, Leo,” said the dark-haired hottie with the big dark eyes.

“Well, I’m tired of sitting at home doing nothing, Riario,” said the other man who was also a hottie although a little less put together.

Zo butted in to say, “Hey, I’ll move over—”

The darker man—Riario—answered, “No, stay where you are. At least I won’t have to put up with any more of his ridiculous prattle.” And he sat down on Zo’s left.

The other guy—Leo—snorted. “You weren’t calling it that last night,” he snipped and sat down on Zo’s right.

Vanessa drifted up with Zo’s food and took their drink orders.

“Just start us a tab,” Leo said. “And bring our friend here another beer.”

“We do not need to pay for strangers,” Riario told him, right over Zo’s head.

“You never want to spend your money,” Leo informed him.

“It is hard-earned.”

“Working for your daddy.”

“At least I have a job.”

“You don’t think what I do is work?”

Zo listened to the two like it was an interactive soap opera. Zo always enjoyed a good fight, when he wasn’t the one taking punches, but there was no way he’d get any decent odds taking bets on these two—they clearly fought like an old married couple. Still, he couldn’t exactly go anywhere to avoid them so he munched his way through his burger and fries while they squabbled over him.

“When was the last time you finished any of your so-called projects?”

“When was the last time you took a real vacation away from your father?”

“You’re certifiable.”

“You’re OCD.”

“Do you ever say anything worthwhile or do you speak simply to hear yourself talk?”

“I do that sometimes,” Zo said aloud.

“Nothing wrong with it,” Leo told him, flashing a bitter look at Riario.

“Only when the listener has anything intelligent to add,” Riario replied, sliding Zo’s refreshed beer onto a coaster closer to him.

“Do you two come out in public often?” Zo just had to know.

“Not as often as I’d like. He’s always at work or brooding about work or obsessing about work,” Leo said, swiping a fry off Zo’s plate.

Riario sat up even straighter and Zo swore the air felt colder. “And when I bother to make plans, he is locked away in the workshop until he blows up something and destroys the crockery.”

“You used to like it when I blew shit up,” Leo told him.

“Not when it involves blowing up my expensive and delicate household goods.”

“What happened to us? We used to blow up all over the place.”

Zo choked on a fry at the thought, and Leo absentmindedly slapped his back as Riario said, “We used to blow up regularly in the bedroom at least.”

“Now we’re lucky if we blow a couple times a month,” Leo said wistfully.

Riario sucked in a breath so hard Zo could feel it. “So, it always come back to that. To our sex life.”

“Or lack thereof.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Well…”

“Oh, no, you will not blame that on me.”

Leo grinned wickedly; Zo could see it out of the corner of his eye. “I’m just saying, I’m pretty much always ready, willing and able. You’re the one who seems to need the fancy shit to get you in the mood.”

“Oh my god,” Zo couldn’t stop himself from muttering under his breath.

“I resent the implication that I need anything to—as you so eloquently put it—get me in the mood,” Riario said.

“Face it, I’m just as good, if not better, as when we first hooked up.”

Riario snorted and the inelegant noise coming from him made Zo startle. “Perhaps you have always had a far too high estimation of your so-called skills.”

“Oh please, I’m a great lay.”

Riario shrugged, the movement jostling his shoulder against Zo again. “Some things can grow stale over the years. Sometimes new techniques can appeal.”

“I’m as fresh as I was the first night I blew your mind in the cloak room of that fancy banquet where we met.” Leo had leaned over to pitch his voice low to Riario, and it pressed his chest firmly against Zo’s arm and shoulder. Zo put down his burger and prayed silently for strength.

“I am only saying that the same old things can become boring and regular. Sometimes something new can spice things up.”

“And sometimes it will light the fuse again.”

“You know, I always thought you could be a better kisser,” Riario said, and Zo actually shut his eyes as if it would block out the mental pictures. It was bad enough to be stuck in the middle of a fighting couple ready to duke it out, but being in between two who apparently considered fighting as foreplay was a whole other ballgame. He was reaching for his wallet, planning to just throw some money at Vanessa and get the hell out of there when…

“Really? I’ve always prided myself on my kissing. I thought you were the one who always held back,” Leo’s voice was nearly as deep as Riario’s now, and he leaned further across Zo, one arm going around Zo’s back to balance himself.

“Why don’t you two get a fucking room?” Zo finally had enough. “Or better yet, you know what…”

He turned to Riario, reaching over to grab his head, and pressed their mouths together. Zo had the impression that he’d shocked Riario as his entire body froze then he focused on the scratch of Riario’s beard and his surprisingly full bottom lip. And for just one instant, Zo was sure he didn’t imagine those lips moving, opening, and the press of teeth against his own lips.

Then Zo swiveled on the stool and leaned in to Leo who was clearly surprised but didn’t pull away when Zo gripped the side of his hair and kissed him. It was softer somehow than kissing Riario, and Zo knew this time there was a definite swipe of tongue into his mouth before he pulled back.

“Well, there now. Fight is over. You both kiss just fine. Now will you shut the fuck up?” He picked up his beer and took a long pull. If he was going to get hit, he’d rather be drunk so he didn’t feel it until morning.

But the other two didn’t move, and Zo hunched his shoulders a little more before glancing over at Leo first. He was scratching at his beard and giving Riario a look so Zo chanced a glance at him to find him looking from Leo to Zo and back. Apparently they were communicating telepathically because Leo suddenly leaned over and said into Zo’s ear, “So who was better?”

“You were both awful,” Zo said honestly because a surprise kiss with an unsuspecting person wasn’t usually pleasant.

“I’m sure, given a proper chance, we can do better,” Leo said and Zo felt Riario move closer and he tensed, waiting for the blow.

“What is this?” Zo said finally when neither of the men moved away.

“I believe that my partner is attempting to seduce you,” Riario said almost directly into his ear.

“Not just attempting,” Leo said cheekily and squeezed Zo’s knee. “We’re inviting you to come home with us.”

“With both of you?”

“We’re a package deal,” Riario rasped and Zo swallowed hard and almost batted him away from his sensitive ear.

“Do you do this often?”

Leo shrugged. “We’ve never. It’s something that we’ve talked about. But we never found anyone compatible and desirable to both of us before.”

“Did you plan this?” Zo had to ask. “Were you faking all of that?”

“Not all of it,” Riario said. “I do believe he needs to actually complete at least one project in his lifetime. And stop blowing up the house.”

“And I believe,” Leo said, “that he needs to stop working for his asshole father and take a vacation once in a while. Other than that, yeah, did it work?”

“Contrary to popular belief, I am not easy,” Zo announced and finished his beer in one long chug. He set it down with a thud. “But I am available, if you want to get out of here.”

“Definitely.” Leo stood up, seeming to press most of his body against Zo’s in the process, and Riario purred in his ear, “We were definitely lying about our sex lives. I’m sure you will find things most satisfactory.”

Zo groaned and just gave in.

And that’s how Zo met the—well, he wouldn’t call them the loves of his life, but they were certainly something and he didn’t go back to the bar again to pick up random strangers. He only went to drink with the two of them and listen to them bicker and ignore Vanessa’s knowing smirks while he waited for them to get to the making up.


	19. Leo/Riario high school AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the illustrious [IdrisEleven](http://archiveofourown.org/users/IdrisEleven). There is no way I can apologize for taking so long to fill [the meme prompt ](http://zephfair.tumblr.com/post/151488984140/send-me-a-ship-and-a-number-and-ill-write-a-short) you gave me back in October. I am ashamed.
> 
> And on top of that, I changed up the prompt–I AM A HORRIBLE FRIEND AND I AM VERY SORRY! Please punish me however you see fit! <3
> 
> IdrisEleven asked for: Oh please oh please do one of your crack/fluff fics of DVD as the high school popular kid and nerd. Anybody you want. I’m interested in which of those nerds you imagine was the popular kid!
> 
> *The answer is: **THEY’RE ALL NERDS**
> 
> Originally, I envisioned Riario as the religious geek with Zita, Leo as the art geek, Zo as the kid who smokes and hustles, Nico as the under-underclassman who follows Leo around, Vanessa as the theater geek, Lorenzo and Giuliano as the athletic jocks, Lucrezia the cheerleader, Clarice the valedictorian.
> 
> But then I got a crazy idea for a Footloose parody and my TiVo actually recorded it the other week and let’s just say I took it as a sign from the universe that a DVD/Footloose fusion should exist. I’m sorry; blame the TiVo.
> 
> If you’ve never seen that movie, it is still fun! And full of fun 1980s pop songs!
> 
> This ficlet is Leo/Riario and rated Teen? For language?

Leo slammed down the tray on the cafeteria table and nudged close to Zo’s chair. “So when are we leaving?”

“Leaving?” Zo said through a mouthful of unidentifiable chicken product.

“I told you, we’re going dancing tonight in—”

“Keep your voice down,” Zo hissed and cuffed the back of Leo’s head. “Do you want to get us both in trouble?”

“This place is bullshit. This entire school is bullshit. This insufferable county is bullshit. All of it—”

“Is bullshit,” Zo agreed. “But it doesn’t change the fact that we can get suspended and punished if you keep talking about partaking in illegal activities.”

“I still cannot believe that dancing and music is outlawed in this ridiculous fucking county.”

“Well, as long as our ‘leader,’” Zo made the air quotes, “is that prick Sixtus, and he runs the church and the town council and owns the sheriff’s department and county judges, well, we’re all fucked.”

Leo scrubbed at his face with impatient hands. “I’ll never forgive my father for making us move to this shithole full of closed-minded assholes.”

Zo mock-toasted him with a can of soda. “Cheers, mate.”

“Not you, Zo, you’re one of the few in this place who can see the real world and who wants to escape. And believe me, Zo, as soon as we graduate, we are out of here so fast, we’ll leave scorch marks.” Zo laughed bitterly but Leo went on, “If there were only something we could do to make it more tolerable for now. If there was some way to stick it to that sick fuck Sixtus.”

Then Leo’s gaze fell on his answer. He asked Zo slowly, “Can you introduce me to Girolamo Riario?”

Zo almost choked on the soda. “Oh no. No. No, no, no. First of all, I cannot introduce you because Riario fucking hates me. You fill his car with cow shit one time, and he threatens to kill you. And holds a grudge. And second, I would not introduce you even if he didn’t have a restraining order against me because you meeting him would be like,” Zo’s arms flailed wildly, “throwing a cigarette into gasoline. Boom!”

“Actually,” Leo said distractedly, still watching the young man across the room, “there is a very good chance that the cigarette would not, in fact, ignite the gasoline because it’s the fumes that typically—”

“Don’t get all technical with me,” Zo snapped. “You know exactly what I’m trying to say. Mixing you and Riario is just asking for certain doom. You’d lose your temper, he’d threaten you, and next thing you know, you’re in jail and he’s still Sixtus’ favorite little nephew, lording it over us all.”

“Yes, but if, if he doesn’t, well, then, maybe he’s the one who could change it all.”

Zo groaned and let his head fall onto the table. “We just have to make it through two more months. Two months! Can’t you wait that long?!”

“No,” Leo said briskly. “Now, help me come up with a plan to run into Riario.”

********

Zo found, to his horror, that Leo meant that quite literally and backed his decrepit VW Beetle directly into the passenger side of Riario’s sleek black Mustang.

Leo jumped out, hands spread apologetically, and went into a prepared speech about how he hadn’t seen the car and he’d happily pay for the damages. Riario stood there, trademark sunglasses on, clearly disbelieving every word.

“Aren’t you the one who transferred in halfway through our senior year?” he said finally, stopping Leo’s fulsome apologies.

“Yeah, I’m Leo.”

“I doubt you even have enough money to cover the cost of repairs,” Riario said bluntly. “Just forget it.”

Zo instinctively ducked, even from the safety of the passenger’s seat of Leo’s Bug. He saw Leo grit his teeth and try to be charming. For once.

“No, no this was totally my fault, and the very least I can do is to take care of it. And I’d love to do something extra, for you. How about I take you to dinner tonight?”

Riario bit off a little smile but only inclined his head. “There is no need. And no, I have plans.”

“Some other time, then?” Leo called after him, but Riario got back into his car and took off with a rev of the engine.

“What the fuck are you trying to do?” Zo asked when Leo got back into the Bug.

“I’m going to turn him to our side. And then maybe he can influence his uncle to change some of the rules around here.”

“This is only going to go one way—badly,” Zo told him, but Leo grinned as they took off, the Bug’s loose back bumper casting sparks as it dragged along the road.

********

Leo began a campaign to “just happen” to be everywhere Riario might be at the same time. He bumped into him between classes. He couldn’t manhandle a lunch seat at the “popular table,” as Zo called it, but he did bribe an underclassmen to let him squeeze into a seat behind Riario, where he could still occasionally drop things and initiate conversation.

Zo watched Leo pursue Riario after school, but the Mustang left them in the dust on winding country roads when the Beetle couldn’t keep up. And Leo claimed that his stakeouts of the house showed Riario often didn’t come home until late, sometimes right at the town’s curfew.

Leo even cleaned up and attended church like the rest of the county who at least turned out to present themselves to Sixtus. Zo gave up trying to elbow him awake about five minutes into the sermon and enjoyed a nap himself.

But Riario stood firm against Leo’s advances. Zo was only surprised that he hadn’t taken legal action to stop Leo.

********

It all changed the evening Leo was sitting outside the drive-in diner and Riario pulled up. Normally, he was surrounded by a collection of various teens important to the local community—the Medici brothers who were venerated as jocks and whose family was in local government; Clarice who was dating a Medici but better known as the class valedictorian; Alfonso who was a dumb jock but an even bigger asshole bully than the Medicis; and Lucrezia, a relative of Riario’s who had a certain reputation. Leo had first thought about using her to get close to Riario, and she had shown some interest in him, but he recognized the haunted look in her eyes. She had been used and used every wile at her disposal to make it so far, and Leo was positive that she would be joining him and Zo in the mass exodus out of town as soon as she was able. He didn’t want to add to her nightmares.

So when Riario ordered food to-go, all alone, Leo followed him without a second thought. There was no way that Riario didn’t notice the VW’s lights, but Leo tried to hang back enough so it wasn’t completely noticeable. He missed him once, when Riario took a turn that Leo didn’t see until he was past, but he backed up and followed, heart beating quickly, wondering if Riario was leading him into a trap.

He pulled up to an abandoned rail car, gravel crunching under the tires, and parked next to Riario’s empty Mustang. Leo was wary of walking into the rail car, wondering if he were being set-up for something, but he finally did and found Riario sitting on the floor alone.

“You’ve found me,” Riario said.

“You haven’t made it easy,” Leo said, remaining standing.

Riario didn’t seem to care about the posturing. “I thought I would make it easier and get this confrontation over with. What do you want from me?”

“What makes you think I want anything?” Leo retorted automatically.

Riario sighed. “Because every single person who approaches me wants something. Whether it’s a favor from my uncle, a good word put in, or just the prestige of claiming to have me as a friend, everyone wants something.”

“That’s incredibly cynical of you,” Leo said, finally sitting down next to him. “But also remarkably perceptive.”

Riario smiled his mirthless little smile. “So what is it that you want from me?”

“I wanted a way to get at your uncle and somehow make him relax some of the ridiculous rules that surround this town,” Leo admitted to the quirk of Riario’s lips again. “I wanted freedom of speech and the freedom to listen to whatever music we want, and I even wanted to advocate for a prom. With dancing.”

Riario bent his head back and laughed.

“But now,” Leo went on and leaned closer, “there is something I want much more than that.”

“And what, exactly, would that be?” Riario’s quiet voice was a whisper across Leo’s lips.

“I just want you,” Leo said, closing the distance and kissing him.

********

Leo didn’t know what to expect: maybe Riario’s friends bursting into the rail car and beating the shit out of him, maybe Riario pulling away then beating the shit out of him, maybe Zo slapping him awake in the middle of another interminable church service.

But he never would have expected Riario to open his mouth to him, to reach up and pull him closer, to card his fingers through Leo’s short hair and wrap a strong arm around his back. Leo melted into him, and when Riario tugged him to crawl over him, Leo went willingly.

********

“So,” Leo said sometime later while he smoked one of his forbidden cigarettes, “it looks like we have way bigger issues than getting your uncle to agree to a prom dance. I’m sure that premarital sex—especially between two males—will upset him even more.”

Riario paused in buttoning his shirt. “Actually, haven’t you heard the old school joke?” When Leo shook his head, Riario said, “Do you know why premarital sex is banned in the school? Because it might lead to dancing.”

“Oh that’s bad,” Leo said, but he chuckled anyway.

“Why do you want to hold a traditional prom? You don’t seem like the type who would even want to attend one.”

Leo shrugged. “Normally, no. But here, in this hellhole, it seemed like the best way to make your uncle rage out. While some of the students might actually enjoy it. Imagine what a romantic time: their first night listening to rock’n’roll and slow dancing in the gym. What’s not to love?”

“You have a strange definition of romance.”

“It’s a rite of passage for high school students. And since you deprived children have never had the privilege, I feel it is very important for me to spearhead this effort and make sure that we have the best, most stereotypical prom of any high school ever. And afterward,” Leo waggled his eyebrows at Riario, “there is the traditional deflowering.”

Riario rolled his eyes then leaned up to bite Leo’s bottom lip. “I believe we already took care of that.”

“Yes, well, I’m sure there’s more … gardening that can be done,” Leo said lamely as Riario kissed him firmly.

“And you want me to help you do this all behind the backs of my uncle, the school and the other leaders in town?”

“Yeah.”

Riario pulled away for a moment and looked into Leo’s eyes. “Fine. We’ll try. But only if you repay me in various sinful, immoral and totally inappropriate ways,” he said, running his hand up the inseam of Leo’s jeans.

“I can totally do that,” and Leo tackled him.

********

After many devious schemes and near-misses and nail-biting tension, the outcasts like Zo and Leo banded together with the Medicis and other popular students to provide a prom like the world had never seen.

And Leo and Riario were voted prom kings and got to slow-dance in the spotlight in their matching rented tuxes with purple cummerbunds. Leo still had some of the pollen in his hair from where Riario had beaten him about the head with the orchid corsage Leo had tried to slip onto his wrist. Riario made it up to him by kissing him and groping his ass right in front of the entire senior class, and the town council assured each other that Sixtus was only spending the night in the hospital as a precaution because what were the chances he’d had a heart attack at exactly that moment.

And all the kids who wanted to leave town did and lived mostly happily ever after playing any music and dancing all they wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love getting ficlet ideas from the prompt memes on Tumblr, but I'm just very, very sloooooow about answering them sometimes!


End file.
